(Questionable) Brain Activity

The End of 2011

2011-12-31T13:33:00.001-06:00

It would probably be no surprise to anyone who knows me for me to say that 2011 was not my best year. There are several individual events that made it so. But I'm not really ready to share much about all of that here, yet.

So, in my recent tradition, I'll post some of my favorite pictures of the year. I hope just one of you enjoys it. Happy New Year.

A Little Friday Pick-Me-Up

2011-12-02T08:46:00.001-06:00

Because you KNOW they MUST use Apple Computer in Heaven

2011-10-07T09:35:00.000-05:00

Thanks, Steve. we'll miss you...

2011-10-07T06:21:00.001-05:00

Sunday Nite Pic Dump

2011-10-02T21:24:00.001-05:00

Trying to Get an Early Jump on Monday

2011-09-18T19:18:00.001-05:00

This weekend was all too short. Maybe this will help me start the week in the right frame of mind.

Thursday Night Release

2011-09-15T22:21:00.001-05:00

Tomorrow is a Friday off of work, so technically my week is done. Thank God!

Monday...I Need A Laugh

2011-09-12T20:04:00.001-05:00

I don't know why Monday mornings are so tough. So I need extra laughs today.

O, I think I'm sure....

The World Trade Center Reborn

2011-09-11T19:00:00.002-05:00

As Christ's victory over death, another victory from one of the worst days in history.

I look forward to seeing the new World Trade Center in person after it is complete.

In addition to the stories of 9/11, there are amazing stories of those who are Rebuilding Ground Zero.

Rainy Saturday Post

2011-09-03T12:39:00.001-05:00

Tropical Storm Lee is turning out to be a big disappointment. We're benefiting from being very close to the center of the storm. It's the people on the east side that's getting the worst of it.

So in celebration, I'm posting some of my favorite pics from this past week.

9/11 Viewing

2011-08-30T10:12:00.000-05:00

It's been ten years since, arguably, the most dramatic scenes in our country's history. And the television media has TONS of specials and retrospecitves to help us relive the horror.

But is that a good thing? Sure, we should never forget what happened on that day or the lives that were lost, whether victims or those that tried to save them. But must we weep and gnash our teeth again?

Personally, I like what Discovery/Science Channels are doing. They are broadcasting a six-part series entitled, "Rising: Rebuilding Ground Zero." This is a fascinating series documenting the buildings and memorials that are being built that make up the New World Trade Center.

In these episodes you see the love and devotion of those men and women who are determined to show the world that the event of 9/11 have not and will not defeat us. To them it's more than just a job. They are pouring their lives and souls into the project, breaking new bounds in architecture, construction and determination. The end result is a feeling of hopefulness, victory and pride in our country.

I cannot recommend this series enough, the one episode that I saw blew me away. Check your television listings for the Discovery Channel. I believe the next few episodes air September 1st.

But what I am looking forward to is on September 11th, from 4:00pm-10:00pm, the Science Channel will broadcast all six episodes back-to-back.

However you choose to recognize 9/11, I hope it is in the spirit of pride and victory. Especially the victory that we've learning from our Savior Jesus. We should carry on this Victory in our daily lives.

Mid-Week Animals

2011-08-24T10:08:00.000-05:00

Some animals for your Hump Day.

100 Things I Learned From Watching Movies

2011-08-10T22:16:00.000-05:00

1. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there, and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.

2. You’re very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home,

3. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it is not necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

4. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds. That will finish in a sex scene.

5. If staying in a haunted house, women must investigate any strange noises in their most diaphaous underwear, which is just what they happened to be carrying with them at the time the car broke down.

6. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.

7. If someone says, “I’ll be right back”, they won’t.

8. Computer monitors never display a cursor on screen but always say: “Enter Password Now”.

9. It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations. And none of your friends have to knock when they come for a visit. In addition, every front door can be opened from the outside without having to use a key.

10. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

11. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they’re going to go off.

12. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

13. If you decide to start dancing in the street everyone around you will automatically be able to mirror all the steps you come up with and hear the music in your head.

14. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

15. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

16. Any bullet from a handgun has enough force to throw a full-grown man ten feet back.

17. Characters will always find a parking space right in front of the building they’re going to even in a large metropolitan city where parking is basically impossible.

18. Characters at a bar or at a restaurant table will always get the attention of a server at the exact moment they need to order.

19. When a gift/present is given, the top is wrapped separately from the rest of the box and it lifts straight off so that there is never any ripping or fumbling with wrapping paper.

20. A chase scene on foot in a city always has a shot of one of the characters running into the street, nearly being hit by a car screeching to a halt at which point the driver flails his arm out the window and yells an expletive.

21. Anytime a character in an awful rush confronts another character curious about his predicament, the first one says, “There’s no time to explain,” and then explains anyway.

22. No matter how slow zombies walk they will always catch up.

23. The bad guy will always throw his gun at you to indicate he has run out of bullets.

24. A candle or table lamp can light a whole room and at night time, it’s blue.

25. If the main guy is in love with the main girl, he will always get her in the end, even if she’s married. If she is married, her husband will always say “oh well, if it makes you happy”… and he’ll never go to beat the crap out of the other guy.

26. If you are in a film, it is easy for you to master the skill of controling any vehicle you need, weather it be landing a plane, for example.

27. Everybody when needing a computer can type supper fast and never need to hit the space bar!

28. Computers never freeze or crash, unlike in the real world.

29. The computers have super duper graphics programes which can zoom into blurs in fotos to make them super clear!

30. The best way to get laid is to put on some slow jazz music.

31. Everytime the “hero” is sneeking into the bad guy’s room, checking secret files on the computer:
      1a. The password is already typed in.
  1b. The password is very simple.
2. There appears a very slow bar saying “copying”, “deleting” or “printing” and it is finished just before the bad guy, the security guard or the mexican cleaner comes in.
3. In addition to your non-booting computer, they are also turned off in a flash.
4. All the characters, even the blonde bimbo’s put in to lure us to the cinema, became all-knowing super-mega-nerds once behind a computer. They always know what to do and how to avoid things.

32. Good guys never panic, they stay cool at point black range, and bluff their way out with the “you could surely use me in your plan” crap.

33. Heavy guns, for example on helicopters, cause cosmetic damage to the hero’s transport, but one bullet makes the chopper blow up.

34. Text appearing on a computer monitor appears letter by letter and making a sound as if it was produced by a typewriter.

35. You can find whatever you want on the net in a matter of seconds.

36. If in a battle scene a bad guy actually manages to shoot a good guy, the good guy’s friend has the time to listen to his friend’s dying speech. Once dead, the friend stands up and shoots the correct bad guy (amongst a whole host of bad guys). The bad guy has apparently been sitting around just waiting to be shot!!

37. No Australian movie is complete without one of this:
  1. A Kangaroo.
  2. A Boomerang.
  3. Ayers Rock.
  4. A Koala.
  5. All of the above.

38. When someone uses a TV remote it makes a clicking sound that is impossible to replicate by existing remotes.

39. When gunfire erupts in public places and cops respond instantly to it, they’re usally killed by the first shots.

40. When gunfire erupts in public, where there are no cops, they take forever to arrive, but they can still chase the gunmen.

41. Detectives can watch a drug deal (carried out furtively in a shop doorway) go down from a distance of five yards away by the simple expedient of sitting in a car with a newspaper raised to eye level.

42. Cats always make a noise. If someone is creeping into a house and is momentarily scared by a cat, it always has to meow before running off.

43. A woman being chased by a murderer will always fall over, either because she’s running in stilettos or is ridiculously clumsy.

44. Serial killers never just die… they will remain still for ages so that the hero is fooled and walks right past them… at which point the killer grabs their ankle and then keeps fighting.

45. It is possible to drive safely for long periods with your head turned completely away from the road ahead, either in conversation or looking at a map.

46. People brush their teeth before eating breakfast but not afterwards, at which point they run out the door with a piece of toast in their mouth.

47. Aussie accents in American films always sound like a mix of Cockney, South African and New Zealander. And they say things like “Streuth!” and “Blimey!”

48. The bad guy’s sexy girl will try to seduce the good guy, then when that fails will beat him up using martial arts. That while wearing skintight leather, lycra and stilettos.

49. Women can never find their car keys while being pursued by a killer. Once they do find them, it takes them ages to fumble the keys into the ignition, giving the killer enough time to reach the car and pound on the window.

50. Somehow cars take several turns of the key to start but only when someone is chasing you.

51. Every bad guy knows how to tie really complicated knots… which somehow the good guy manages to untie.

52. A person investigating strange noises in their house always finds that the lights don’t work, then stumble around in the dark rather than getting a torch. At least one of the noises they hear will turn out to be made by a cat.

53. When a cat eats a fish, it leaves the skeleton perfectly reserved and intact.

54. Dogs always bark at ghosts.

55. Vicious guard dogs can be easily distracted with a piece of steak.

56. Mice can somehow fashion a perfectly semi-circular entrance to their dwelling.

57. A small goat is capable of propelling a fully grown man through the air by butting him in the ass with it’s horns.

58. Many animals, when they consume alcohol, will take on human drunken characteristics, usually to the sound of a trombone being played.

59. Anytime a person is expecting a bad guy to jump out at them, often they’ll sigh in relief when it’s just the cat, or the wind, or a tree branch against the window. But as soon as they let their guard down and laugh at their “silliness”, they’re going to be attacked by the bad guy that really was there after all.

60. When someone puts a baby down to bed, that baby coos and smiles, and then just goes right off to sleep. It’s amazing.

61. If someone jumps off a bridge into a river, lake, etcetera, the water will always be deep enough to keep them from getting hurt. But when a bad guy falls from a river, he/she’s good as gone.

62. Police officers never wait for back-up.

63. The only time people do say hello on the telephone is when it turns to be the bad guy on the other end of line calling to torment them.

64. Bad things usually happen to women who are alone in the house on stormy nights.

65. If you are driving somewhere on any other route other than a city roadway, you will probably have that road all to yourself and will not pass or be passed by another vehicle.

66. In the movies everyone seems to have some odd “L shaped” sheets on their beds able to cover a woman up to her neck and her partner up to his waste.

67. Being around a bomb causes time to slow down.

68. Bad guys die instantly, good guys die slowly.

69. When the good guy is being attacked by a gang, they will run at him one at a time while the rest stay (in the case of ninjas, dance) around in a menacing manner, allowing him to kick all of their asses by the time the scene is over.

70. Most of police investigations will require at least one visit to a strip club.

71. You can jump from a tall building and land on mattresses, a pile of boxes, or a dumpster full of garbage and, though you might groan and be a little slow getting up, you will not sustain any serious injury.

72. It’s very easy to fool the security guards at highly top secret government institutions.

73. It’s very easy for a computer hacker to break a security code and find just the information he’s looking for in less than a minute.

74. If you’re a criminal mastermind, you cannot just shoot the hero in the back, you have to tie him up and wait for some diabolical machine to finish the hero off and you can’t wait around to make sure it works, which allows the hero a chance to escape, which he always does because apparently no bad guy ever got his knot tying badge in the boy scouts.

75. When an ugly girl takes off her glasses, gets a haircut, and puts on nice clothes she is suddenly very hot.

76. No matter who you are calling, no matter what time you are making the call, the person you’re calling will always answer the phone, usually after only one or two rings. Of course, this assumes you aren’t running from a killer while trying to make a call on a cell phone, in which case there is a 100% chance that either the battery will be dead or you won’t be able to get a signal.

77. Whenever you put on a seatbelt, you will get into an accident.

78. The good guy always has the cooler cell phone.

79. If you chase someone through a park you will never step in dog poop or chewing gum, but you will always step on someone’s picnic.

78. No matter how crowded the bar is, there are always extra stools available right in front of a bartender who is just standing there waiting for someone to order.

80. People who oversleep and get woken up by phone calls go straight to work without making the bed, but when they get home at night, their bed is made.

81. People in movies rarely have to shave, and whenever a guy does shave, he will be interrupted while half finished, and will wipe the remaining shaving cream off with a towel. Of course, even the part he didn’t get to shave will be perfectly smooth.

82. When a good guy enters a house, he/she will avoid every shot of machine gun fire while killing a lot of bad guys. He/she doesn’t need to reload his pistol until he runs out of ammo, which coincidentially happens when the main bad guy appears, at which point he fights him/her hand to hand.

83. In battle, a normal peon soldier is shot with one bullet and instantly drops dead to the ground, while the protagonist in said battle can be shot in various places by multiple shooters, and survive with a few bandages and a cast.

84. It doesn’t matter who you call, if they choose not to answer their phone you will get their voicemail in less than 1.5 rings.

85. A devious villain will immediately shoot a non-important character whenever needed without hesitation. However when he finally has the chance to kill the hero seeking to craft his doom, he will undoubtedly hold a firearm trained on said protagonist for at least 90 seconds while performing a well-written soliliquoy. This delay is all the hero needs to escape.

86. When a woman is being pursued by a scary serial killer that she knows is in her house, she will always run upstairs instead of out of the house.

87. You can break into any house or door with a credit card.

88. The bad guy will always tell the good guy every detail about his masterplan instead of just shooting him.

89. Whenever a guy and a girl hop into a bed together in three seconds the girl will start moaning and will be close to climaxing. Plus the guy will always put a minimal effort, after all she will still be screaming and moaning away.

90. When someone has stopped breathing and has no pulse, simply breathing into her mouth twice and looking extremely distressed while screaming “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” will bring her back to life immediately.

91. In a TV episode where someone will probaly die, there’s always an extra character that no one has ever seen before to kill him.

92. Aliens will always have more advanced techonology than us.

93. When you turn on the tv, the news will always be on.

94. People never obey warnings.

95. There’s always a corrupt police officer.

96. Movie theatres and drive-ins only show classic horror movies.

98. If you meet a member of the opposite sex, and you both hate each other… don’t worry… you’ll eventually fall in love with each other.

99. Major disasters always happen in New York.

100. The President is always very considerate and well-spoken. Not to mention he always is able to fly a jet fighter when needed.

Source: NedHardy.com

Another Cat Saturday

2011-07-30T11:02:00.000-05:00

Down Memory Lane

2011-07-25T20:34:00.000-05:00

One of my favorite movies - Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid.

Here is a classic scene:

9 Deadly Words Uses By A Woman

2011-07-11T14:02:00.000-05:00

1) Fine
This is the world women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

2) Five Minutes
If she is getting dressed, this means half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3) Nothing
This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

4) Go Ahead
This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.

5) Loud Sigh
This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing there and arguing with you about nothing (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing).

6) Thats Okay
This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think along and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7) Thanks
A women is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say "you're welcome". (Exception - This is true, unless she is says "Thanks a lot" - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say "you're welcome". That will bring on a "whatever")

8) Whatever
Is a woman's way of saying drop dead.

9) Don't worry about it, I got it
Another dangerous statement, meaning there is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "What's wrong?" For the woman's response, refer to #3.

Wednesday Animals

2011-07-06T14:56:00.000-05:00

I LOVE goats in trees

Saturday PicDump

2011-07-02T19:20:00.000-05:00

Twins

2011-06-27T09:47:00.000-05:00

A pregnant woman was in an accident and she fell into a coma, but had her babies delivered safely. She wakes up shortly after her babies are delivered.

Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl.

Woman: Great! How are they doing.

Doctor: They are perfectly healthy. We even let your brother name them.

Woman: Oh no! My brother is an idiot! What are their names?

Doctor: Your daughter is named Denise.

Woman: Oh that’s a nice name. What about my son?

Doctor: His name is…Denephew.

Pope Mobile

2011-06-06T14:36:00.000-05:00

Sorry or the lack of posts lately, I hope this makes up for it a little.

“You know what, before I die, I would love to drive this beautiful limo just once.” “Well,” the limo driver says, “Come up here and take the wheel, Your Holiness, and I’ll get in back!”

Further down the road, the limo is stopped by a policeman who walks over to the limo, sees who’s sitting in the front seat and runs back to his squad car. He calls dispatch and says, “I just pulled over someone really important and I don’t know what to do.”

“Well, who is it?” his dispatcher says, “The mayor? The governor? The president?”

“I don’t know exactly who he is,” the officer responds, “but the Pope is his chauffeur!”

Signs of a True Cat Lover

2011-06-01T09:09:00.000-05:00

1. When a true cat lover sleeps, he hardly makes any movements, let alone moving his toes.

2. If you put a heavy thing on a sleeping cat lover, he will try to keep it there undisturbed all the night.

3. A dead mouse touches the heart of a true cat lover; a dead rat draws his admiration.

4. You may think that he’s got a cold – every time a true cat lover enters a room, he closes any doors and windows.

5. If you want to show that you’re madly jealous because of a true cat lover, just pee in his boots. He won’t understand you otherwise.

6. In company, he always ends up talking about cats. Even if he promised to give up doing so.

7. A true cat lover never throws away candy wrappers – he rolls them into a ball and throws down on the floor.

8. A true cat lover chooses clothes by the two main criteria:

a. cat fur doesn’t stick to it (or it is invisible on it and easily removed.;

b. it is difficult for the cat to get a claw hooked in the fabric.

9. A true cat lover never slams the door. He always closes it carefully or even leaves a cat-size slit.

10. A true cat lover always knows which of his cats is digging the litter box at the moment.

11. A true cat lover never leaves food on the table but always puts it in the fridge.

12. A true cat lover never leaves a glass with water near the keyboard.

13. Prior to buying a new home plant, a true cat lover will always find out whether this plant is toxic for cats.

14. A true cat lover always smells every little amount of spilt water.

15. When a cat climbs on a true cat lover’s lap, he will never utter a sound even if the cat didn’t hide the claws. Because the kitty may get scared and never climb on his lap again.

16. A true cat lover always knows what cat food tastes like.

17. The hands of a true cat lover are always covered with scratches.

18. When a true cat lover sees a cat in the street, he is full of emotions as if he sees this animal for the very first time.

19. In a typical family, children are told, “Wash your hands after patting the cat!” In a cat-addicted family, children are told, “Wash your hands before patting the cat!”

20. A true cat lover is skilled in typing and using the mouse with one hand. The second one is reserved for patting the cat.

21. A true cat lover knows that the name “mouse pad” is absolutely theoretical. Practically, it is a “cat pad”.

22. If a true cat lover steps on something soft, he always pulls his leg up nervously and checks whether he has harmed someone.

June Holidays

2011-05-30T11:55:00.000-05:00

National Candy Month

National Dairy Month

National Fresh Fruit and Vegetables Month

National Iced Tea Month

National Papaya Month

First Weekend in June: National Doughnut Weekend

June 1
National Hazelnut Cake Day

June 2
National Rocky Road Day

June 3
National Chocolate Macaroon Day
National Egg Day

June 4
National Eggs Benedict Day

June 5
National Gingerbread Day
National Cheese Day

June 6
National Applesauce Cake Day
National Doughnut Day

June 7
National Chocolate Ice Cream Day

June 8
National Jelly-Filled Doughnut Day

June 9
National Strawberry-Rhubarb Pie Day

June 10
National Iced-Tea Day

June 11
National German Chocolate Cake Day

June 12
National Peanut Butter Cookie Day

June 13
Kitchen Klutzes of America Day

June 14
National Strawberry Shortcake Day

June 15
National Tapioca Pudding Day

June 16
National Fudge Day

June 17
National Apple Strudel Day
National Cherry Tart Day

June 18
International Picnic Day

June 19
National Martini Day

June 20
National Vanilla Milkshake Day

June 21
National Peaches & Cream Day

June 22
National Chocolate Eclair Day
National Onion Ring Day

June 23
National Pecan Sandy Day

June 24
National Pralines Day

June 25
National Strawberry Parfait Day
National Catfish Day

June 26
National Chocolate Pudding Day

June 27
National Orange Blossom Day

June 28
National Tapioca Day

June 29
National Almond Buttercrunch Day

June 30
National Mai Tai Day

25 Irrefutable Cat Laws

2011-05-27T13:21:00.000-05:00

Law of Cat Inertia: A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force, such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.

Law of Cat Motion: A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.

Law of Cat Magnetism: All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.

Law of Cat Thermodynamics: Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.

Law of Cat Stretching: A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.

Law of Cat Sleeping: All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved as is possible for the cat.

Law of Cat Elongation: A cat can make his body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it.

Law of Cat Acceleration: A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop.

Law of Dinner Table Attendance: Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.

Law of Rug Configuration: No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.

Law of Obedience Resistance: A cat’s resistance varies in proportion to a human’s desire for him to do something.

First Law of Energy Conservation: Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destryed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.

Second Law of Energy Conservation: Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.

Law of Refrigerator Observation: If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.

Law of Electric Blanket Attraction: Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.

Law of Random Comfort Seeking: A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.

Law of Bag/Box Occupancy: All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.

Law of Cat Embarrassment: A cat’s irritation rises in direct proportion to his embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.

Law of Milk Consumption: A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.

Law of Furniture Replacement: A cat’s desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.

Law of Cat Landing: A cat will always land in the softest place possible.

Law of Fluid Displacement: A cat immersed in milk will displace his own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed.

Law of Cat Disinterest: A cat’s interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.

Law of Pill Rejection: Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.

Law of Cat Composition: A cat is composed of Matter + Antimatter + It Doesn’t Matter.

Source

25 Pictures of Cats Hiding

2011-05-25T10:38:00.006-05:00

Source

I Love My Job

2011-05-25T10:30:00.001-05:00

I love my job, I love the pay.

I love it more and more each day.

I love my boss; he/she is the best.

I love his boss and all the rest.

I love my office and its location.

I hate to have to go on vacation.

I love my furniture, drab and gray,

And the paper that piles up every day.

I love my chair in my padded cell.

There’s nothing else I love so well.

I love to work among my peers.

I love their leers and jeers and sneers.

I love my computer and its software;

I hug it often though it don’t care.

I love each program and every file,

I try to understand once in a while.

I’m happy to be here, I am, I am;

I’m the happiest slave of my Uncle Sam.

I love this work; I love these chores.

I love the meetings with deadly bores.

I love my job-I’ll say it again.

I even love these friendly men,

These men who’ve come to visit today

In lovely white coats to take me away.

- Dr. Seuss

In Honor of Douglas Adams - An Awesome Story About Cookies, Of All Things

2011-05-25T10:27:00.001-05:00

This actually did happen to a real person, and the real person was me. I had gone to catch a train. This was April 1976, in Cambridge, U.K. I was a bit early for the train. I’d gotten the time of the train wrong.

I went to get myself a newspaper to do the crossword, and a cup of coffee and a packet of cookies. I went and sat at a table.

I want you to picture the scene. It’s very important that you get this very clear in your mind.

Here’s the table, newspaper, cup of coffee, packet of cookies. There’s a guy sitting opposite me, perfectly ordinary-looking guy wearing a business suit, carrying a briefcase.

It didn’t look like he was going to do anything weird. What he did was this: he suddenly leaned across, picked up the packet of cookies, tore it open, took one out, and ate it.

Now this, I have to say, is the sort of thing the British are very bad at dealing with. There’s nothing in our background, upbringing, or education that teaches you how to deal with someone who in broad daylight has just stolen your cookies.

You know what would happen if this had been South Central Los Angeles. There would have very quickly been gunfire, helicopters coming in, CNN, you know. . . But in the end, I did what any red-blooded Englishman would do: I ignored it. And I stared at the newspaper, took a sip of coffee, tried to do a clue in the newspaper, couldn’t do anything, and thought, what am I going to do?

In the end I thought, nothing for it, I’ll just have to go for it, and I tried very hard not to notice the fact that the packet was already mysteriously opened. I took out a cookie for myself. I thought, that settled him. But it hadn’t because a moment or two later he did it again. He took another cookie.

Having not mentioned it the first time, it was somehow even harder to raise the subject the second time around. “Excuse me, I couldn’t help but notice . . .” I mean, it doesn’t really work.

We went through the whole packet like this. When I say the whole packet, I mean there were only about eight cookies, but it felt like a lifetime. He took one, I took one, he took one, I took one. Finally, when we got to the end, he stood up and walked away.

Well, we exchanged meaningful looks, then he walked away, and I breathed a sigh of relief and sat back. A moment or two later the train was coming in, so I tossed back the rest of my coffee, stood up, picked up the newspaper, and underneath the newspaper were my cookies.

The thing I like particularly about this story is the sensation that somewhere in England there has been wandering around for the last quarter-century a perfectly ordinary guy who’s had the same exact story, only he doesn’t have the punch line.

(Excerpted from “The Salmon of Doubt: Hitchhiking the Galaxy One Last Time” by Douglas Adams)

Hump Day Pics

2011-05-25T09:25:00.000-05:00

Monday Morning Motivations

2011-05-23T10:00:00.000-05:00

I think we can all use a little motivation this Monday morning...

Question the Juror

2011-05-23T09:50:00.000-05:00

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, ‘Mrs. Jones, do you know me?’

She responded, ‘Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you’ll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.’

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, ‘Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?’

She again replied, ‘Why yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.’

The defense attorney nearly had a heart attack.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, ‘If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I’ll send you both to the electric chair.’

Ugly Baby

2011-05-19T09:24:00.000-05:00

So a woman walks onto a bus with her baby and the bus driver looks at her and says “Ma’am that is the ugliest baby I have ever seen!”.

So the woman walks to back of the bus dumbfounded and sits down. She looks to the man sitting next her and says “That bus driver just insulted me.”

The man looks at her and says “Well, go confront him about it! I’ll hold your monkey in the meantime.”

New Babies in the House

2011-05-18T15:47:00.000-05:00

Well, the Lowes stork paid a visit today and left these two shiny new members of the family.

Hopefully this will be the last I'll ever buy. I couldn't find one with an iPod/iPhone dock though.

Collected Quotes From Albert Einstein

2011-05-17T17:00:00.000-05:00

“Imagination is more important than knowledge.”
“Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love.”
“The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax.”
“Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.”
“The only real valuable thing is intuition.”
“A person starts to live when he can live outside himself.”
“Weakness of attitude becomes weakness of character.”
“I never think of the future. It comes soon enough.”
“The eternal mystery of the world is its comprehensibility.”
“Sometimes one pays most for the things one gets for nothing.”
“Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.”
“Great spirits have often encountered violent opposition from weak minds.”
“Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler.”
“Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.”
“Science is a wonderful thing if one does not have to earn one’s living at it.”
“The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.”
“The only thing that interferes with my learning is my education.”
“The whole of science is nothing more than a refinement of everyday thinking.”
“Technological progress is like an axe in the hands of a pathological criminal.”
“Peace cannot be kept by force. It can only be achieved by understanding.”
“The most incomprehensible thing about the world is that it is comprehensible.”
“We can’t solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them.”
“Education is what remains after one has forgotten everything he learned in school.”
“The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reason for existing.”
“Do not worry about your difficulties in Mathematics. I can assure you mine are still greater.”
“Equations are more important to me, because politics is for the present, but an equation is something for eternity.”
“If A is a success in life, then A equals x plus y plus z. Work is x; y is play; and z is keeping your mouth shut.”
“Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the the universe.”
“As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain, as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.”
“Whoever undertakes to set himself up as a judge of Truth and Knowledge is shipwrecked by the laughter of the gods.”
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
“In order to form an immaculate member of a flock of sheep one must, above all, be a sheep.”
“The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there’s no risk of accident for someone who’s dead.”
“Too many of us look upon Americans as dollar chasers. This is a cruel libel, even if it is reiterated thoughtlessly by the Americans themselves.”
“Heroism on command, senseless violence, and all the loathsome nonsense that goes by the name of patriotism — how passionately I hate them!”
“No, this trick won’t work…How on earth are you ever going to explain in terms of chemistry and physics so important a biological phenomenon as first love?”
“My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive with our frail and feeble mind.”
“Yes, we have to divide up our time like that, between our politics and our equations. But to me our equations are far more important, for politics are only a matter of present concern. A mathematical equation stands forever.”
“The release of atom power has changed everything except our way of thinking…the solution to this problem lies in the heart of mankind. If only I had known, I should have become a watchmaker.”
“Great spirits have always found violent opposition from mediocrities. The latter cannot understand it when a man does not thoughtlessly submit to hereditary prejudices but honestly and courageously uses his intelligence.”
“The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and all science. He to whom this emotion is a stranger, who can no longer pause to wonder and stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead: his eyes are closed.”
“Now he has departed from this strange world a little ahead of me. That means nothing. People like us, who believe in physics, know that the distinction between past, present, and future is only a stubbornly persistent illusion.”
“You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat.”
“One had to cram all this stuff into one’s mind for the examinations, whether one liked it or not. This coercion had such a deterring effect on me that, after I had passed the final examination, I found the consideration of any scientific problems distasteful to me for an entire year.”
“…one of the strongest motives that lead men to art and science is escape from everyday life with its painful crudity and hopeless dreariness, from the fetters of one’s own ever-shifting desires. A finely tempered nature longs to escape from the personal life into the world of objective perception and thought.”
“He who joyfully marches to music rank and file, has already earned my contempt. He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would surely suffice. This disgrace to civilization should be done away with at once. Heroism at command, how violently I hate all this, how despicable and ignoble war is; I would rather be torn to shreds than be a part of so base an action. It is my conviction that killing under the cloak of war is nothing but an act of murder.”
“A human being is a part of a whole, called by us ‘universe’, a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feelings as something separated from the rest… a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty.”
“Not everything that counts can be counted, and not everything that can be counted counts.”
“Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius — and a lot of courage — to move in the opposite direction.”

It's Cat Saturday - May 14, 2011

2011-05-14T11:44:00.000-05:00

Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road According to Famous Historical Figures

2011-05-14T09:58:00.000-05:00

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Answers:
——–

Machiavelli:
The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why?
The ends of crossing the road justify whatever motive there was.

Thomas de Torquemada:
Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I’ll find out.

Timothy Leary:
Because that’s the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take.

Carl Jung:
The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that
individual chickens cross roads. This brought such occurrences
into being.

John Locke:
Because he was exercising his natural right to liberty.

Albert Camus:
It doesn’t matter; the chicken’s actions have no meaning except to
him.

The Bible:
And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken,
“Thou shalt cross the road.” And the Chicken crossed the road, and
there was much rejoicing.

Freud:
The fact that you thought that the chicken crossed the road reveals
your underlying sexual insecurity.

Darwin:
Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected
in such a way that they are now genetically predisposed to cross
roads

Darwin #2:
It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.

Richard M. Nixon:
The chicken did not cross the road.
I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road.

Oliver Stone:
The question is not “Why did the chicken cross the road?” but is
rather “Who was crossing the road at the same time whom we
overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?”

Jerry Seinfeld:
Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn’t anyone ever think
to ask, “What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all
over the place anyway?”

Martin Luther King, Jr.:
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads
without having their motives called into question.

Immanuel Kant:
The chicken, being an autonomous being, chose to cross the road of
his own free will.

Grandpa:
In my day, we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone
told us that the chicken had crossed the road, and that was good
enough for us.

Dirk Gently (Holistic Detective):
I’m not exactly sure why, but right now I’ve got a horse in my bathroom.

Bill Gates:
I have just released the new Chicken 2000, which will both cross
roads AND balance your checkbook, though when it divides 3 by 2 it
gets 1.4999999999.

M.C.Escher:
That depends on which plane of reality the chicken was on at the time.

George Orwell:
Because the government had fooled him into thinking that he was
crossing the road of his own free will, when he was really only
serving their interests.

Colonel Sanders:
I missed one?

Plato:
For the greater good.

Aristotle:
To actualize its potential.

Karl Marx:
It was a historical inevitability.

Nietzsche:
Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also
across you.

B.F. Skinner:
Because the external influences, which had pervaded its sensorium
from birth, had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it
would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be
of its own freewill.

Jean-Paul Sartre:
In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken
found it necessary to cross the road.

Albert Einstein:
Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the
chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

Pyrrho the Skeptic:
What road?

The Sphinx:
You tell me.

Buddha:
If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken nature.

Emily Dickenson:
Because it could not stop for death.

Ralph Waldo Emerson:
It didn’t cross the road; it transcended it.

Ernest Hemingway:
To die. In the rain.

Saddam Hussein:
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified
in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

Saddam Hussein #2:
It is the Mother of all Chickens.

Pat Buchanan:
To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.

Joseph Stalin:
I don’t care. Catch it. I need its eggs to make my omelet.

Source

Friday the 13th Update

2011-05-13T11:54:00.014-05:00

Firefly: the Complete Series - How bad can a Friday the 13th be of one of the Best Sci-Fi shows ever is available on Blu-Ray from Amazon.com at 74% OFF. But it's today only. If you don't have this you really are missing out on one of the blessings of life.

Moving on, here is a little picdump to start the day.

Tuesday Night Mini-PicDump

2011-05-10T22:16:00.000-05:00

Quick Management Potential Quiz

2011-05-10T18:57:00.000-05:00

The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and tells whether you are qualified to be a “manager.” The questions are not that difficult.

How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door.
This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.
How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Wrong Answer : Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and close the refrigerator.
Correct Answer : Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door.
This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your actions.
The Lion King is hosting an animal conference, all the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?
Correct Answer: The Elephant. The Elephant is in the refrigerator.
This tests your memory. OK, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your abilities.
There is a river you must cross. But it is inhabited by crocodiles. How do you manage it?
Correct Answer: You swim across. All the Crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting!
This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

According to Andersen Consulting World wide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong. But many pre-schoolers got several correct answers. Andersen Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most management consultants have the brains of a four-year old.

Source

Do You Dress Like A Douchebag? Flow Chart

2011-05-10T15:29:00.000-05:00

The Six Stages of Movie Geek Evolution

2011-05-10T10:08:00.000-05:00

Source

Saturday PicDump

2011-05-07T14:31:00.000-05:00

Ok, I'm a little bored this afternoon. So I'm going to throw some pics your way.

The Ten Commandments of Owning a Pet

2011-05-06T10:04:00.000-05:00

1. My life is likely to last ten to fifteen years. Any separation from you will be painful for me. Remember that before you acquire me.

2. Give me time to understand what you want from me.

3. Place your trust in me. Remember that before you acquire me.

4. Don’t be angry with me for long and don’t lock me up as punishment. You have your work, your friends, and your entertainment. I only have you.

5. Talk to me sometimes. Even if I don’t understand your words, I understand your voice when it is speaking to me. Be aware that however you treat me, I will never forget.

6. Remember before you hit me that I have teeth that can easily crush the bones in your hand, but I choose not to bite you.

7. Before you scold me for being uncooperative, obstinate, or lazy, ask yourself if something might be bothering me. Perhaps I don’t understand what you ask of me or perhaps I am not feeling well, not getting the right food, been out in the sun too long, or my heart is getting old and weak.

8. Take care of me when I get old, you too will grow old.

9. Go with me on difficult journeys. Never say " I can’t bear to watch," or "let it happen in my absence." Everything is easier if you are there.

10. Remember, no matter what, that I love you. Unconditionally.

Source

100 Proven Tips To Become A More Effective Evil Overlord

2011-05-06T01:38:00.001-05:00

My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear Plexiglas visors, not face concealing ones.
My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell in my dungeon.
Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragon of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.
I will not gloat over my enemies predicament before killing them.
When I’ve captured my adversary and he says, “Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?” I’ll say, “No.” and shoot him. No, on second thought, I’ll shoot him and then say “No.”
After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks’ time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.
I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled, “Danger: Don Not Push”. The big red button marked “Do Not Push” will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will clearly not be labelled as such.
I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum – a small hotel room well outside my border will work just as well.
I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.
All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least several round of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.
The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.
I will never employ any device with a digital count-down. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable. I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.
I will never utter the sentence “But before I kill you, there’s just one thing I want to know.”
When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.
I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would prove a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.
I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero’s rugged countenance and she’d betray her own father.
Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it’s too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.
I will hire a fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legion of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman foot soldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.
No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.
I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way — even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless — my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.
I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strength and weaknesses. Even though this takes some fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line “No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!” (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)
No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible spot.
No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive which is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bed chamber.
I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.
My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.
I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.
All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.
All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcements and/or romantic sub-plot for the hero or his side-kick.
I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.
I won’t require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.
I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.
I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.
I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.
If my trusted lieutenant tell me my Legion of Terror is losing a battle, I will believe him.. After all, he’s my trusted lieutenant.
If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.
If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.
I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable super-weapon, I will use it early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.
Once my power is secure, I will destroy all of those pesky time travel devices.
When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys that happens to follow him around.
I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans.
I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.
I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him and say “And here is the price for failure.” then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.
If an advisor says to me “My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?”, I will reply “This.” and kill the advisor.
If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.
I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.
If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all of my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.
My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks.
If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions of the beautiful princess’ cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people oriented position.
I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.
If the beautiful princess that I capture says “I’ll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!”, I will say “Oh well” and kill her.
I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.
The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legion of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.
My Legion of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.
Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owners manual.
If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner.
I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.
My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: This also applies to passwords.
If my advisors ask “Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?” I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them.
I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.
Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of this nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.
I will see a compentant psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be disadvantageous.
If I must have a computer system with publicly available terminals, the maps they display will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.
My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints and then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system.
No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.
I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they’d better save my life again.
All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.
When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.
If I decide to test a lieutenant’s loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.
If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon, instead of using my unstoppable super weapon on them.
I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win.
When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk “Project Overlord” and leave it lying on top of my desk.
I will instruct my Legion of Terror to attack the heroes en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.
If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)
If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutenant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer.
I will not tell my Legion of Terror “And he must be taken alive-” the command will be “And try to take him alive if it is reasonable practical.”
If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited edition commemorative coins.
If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress.
If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.
I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerously unbalanced structure.
If I’m eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.
I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.
I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. “Align the 12 stones of power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse.” Instead it will be more alone the lines of “Push the button/”
I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded.
My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.
If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to do the task again.
After I capture the hero’s super weapon, I will not disband legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him.
I will not design my main control room so that every workstation is facing away from the door.
I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.
If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead, I will say that his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)
If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and the underling who failed or betrayed me, I will die first.
When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.
My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cell mate tells the guard it’s an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening the cell for a look.
My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.
My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unraveled.
If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However, if circumstances have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each other’ lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.
Any data files of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb.
Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free, unlimited internet access.

Source

Friday Night PicDump

2011-05-05T14:15:00.000-05:00

The Hillbilly Vasectomy

2011-05-05T08:51:00.000-05:00

After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, but they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn’t want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. "A less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10." The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don’t see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can.

He held the can up to his ear and began to count! "1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5". At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Tennessee, Kentucky, Louisiana, Arkansas, Mississippi, parts of Georgia, Missouri, West Virginia, AND All of Washington DC.

Life’s Rich Pageant – R.E.M. (25th Anniversary 2CD Box)

2011-05-04T11:02:00.000-05:00

Continuing the reissue campaign of R.E.M. catalogue titles. the band will release their 1986 classic album, Life’s Rich Pageant, in a remastered and expanded set, planned for July 12. The album, which is planned as a 25th Anniversary set will contain the original tracks as well as a second disc of bonus demos from the album’s growth cycle. These 19 demos are referred to as the previously unreleased Athens Demos, studio recorded in 1986.

Capitol Records will release the 25th Anniversary title with extras included in the package (poster, 4 cards, expanded booklet with new notes, etc). It’s planned for CD/DD/and 180g LP (Mobile Fidelity).

Source: MusicTAP

How to Write Good

2011-05-04T10:56:00.000-05:00

Avoid Alliteration. Always.
Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
Avoid cliches like the plague. (They’re old hat.)
Employ the vernacular.
Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
Contractions aren’t necessary.
Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
One should never generalize.
Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson once said, “I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.”
Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
Don’t be redundant; don’t use more words than necessary; it’s highly superfluous.
Profanity sucks.
Be more or less specific.
Understatement is always best.
Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
One word sentences? Eliminate.
Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
The passive voice is to be avoided.
Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
Who needs rhetorical questions?

Source: Ned Hardy

Friday Night PicDump

2011-04-29T19:22:00.001-05:00

Ten the end the week with:

Alien Wedding Cake

Recent Faves

2011-04-28T20:20:00.000-05:00

In prowling around the web, here are some of my recent favorites:

Happy Valentine's Day

2011-02-14T16:14:00.003-06:00

I couldn't have said it better myself.

Lazy Post

2010-05-30T20:44:00.003-05:00

Tonight is a lazy post. Just pics from my file.

and finally, one of my favorites

And So It Begins...

2010-05-05T08:52:00.001-05:00

I'd heard about it from someone at church Sunday, but saw it last night for the first time. Attorneys advertising to sue for ANY "damages" due to the oil rig explosion and subsequent oil spill.

I'm not saying that some people aren't entitled but I can see every Tom, Dick and Boudreaux trying to get a piece of the action.

I pray that the judges will not allow the frivolous cases to go through.

Vacation '10, pt 1

2010-05-04T15:30:00.001-05:00

The toughest part of vacations for me seem to be just deciding what I'm going to do. Maybe I make it more difficult for myself, but I don't think so.

The biggest obstacle is that Gretch cannot get away. I can come up with many possibilities if it were the two of us. But when it comes up to just me alone, that's when it gets tough.

First, I want to go someplace. A "staycation" doesn't do it for me. But I don't particularly like doing vacation-type stuff alone. I like to share the fun with someone.

I'd like to go back to Manhattan. I've loved it both times I've gone. Sure I needed a rest after it was over, but there was always more stuff I wanted to do when the trip was over.

There are some cities I'd like to visit that I've never been too. Chicago, Denver, Philly, Vegas and others. In the summer, I'd prefer to go north.

If I'd thought of it early enough I would have gone to the huge Comic-Con in LA this summer. It's so geeky that I would have to go by myself. But it's been long sold out.

So I cruise the net and bash my brains for ideas? If you have any, please comment.

Time Machine - EastEnders

2010-05-02T19:13:00.004-05:00

I've been having fun this week. I know, I know, who said I could do that? I've been spending some time in 1985; 30 minutes at a time.

I found someone online who has complete year sets of the BBC television show, EastEnders. EastEnders is a British soap that I started watching on a public television station right after graduating undergraduate school in 1986. I was fascinated by it because it showed, however accurately or not, daily British life. It was not watered down or translated for American viewers. There were many times, especially at the beginning, that I would have trouble understanding what they were saying. It all fit in to my life-long fascination with the British. And at the time I believed that I must not have been the only one. The Tampa station published a pamphlet with British vocabulary for the show. I only wish I'd kept it.

These DVDs are rough recordings someone made with their VCR at the time and are transferred to DVD. They are totally home-made. And actually, the roughness makes it a little more fun.

I don't know how the show is now (because it is still on the air in England) but at the time is didn't seem quite so "soapish." Time flows by much quicker than on American soaps. I don't think I would have watched it otherwise.

So if I don't answer my cell when you call, I'm probably in 1985. I'll be back soon.

Ready for a Road Trip

2010-04-21T21:34:00.001-05:00

Ok, I'm ready for a road trip. So, I got online to check out concerts this summer. There really aren't many good artists touring this summer that I want to see. Those few that I do, the available locations are on unworkable nights. Except for one.

Both Yes and Peter Frampton, on the same bill, are playing Biloxi on Friday night, June 11th. I can actually do that one. So, I've put the announcement out. But I'm determined to go whether anyone else goes or not. So now all I have to do is wait.

Other than that I don't know what I'm going to do for vacation this year. I pray that God inspires me.

Ruff Monday Morning

2009-10-19T09:30:00.005-05:00

Journey: Weight Loss - Wow, it was really tough to get up this morning. It was a long busy weekend. Saturday I ventured a little off of the diet. But I won't be able to see what the damage is until I weigh in Wednesday. I discovered that my scales at home are a little tricky. I was just getting on it once. But yesterday I tried it three times in a row and got three different measures. Grrreat!!. I saw some cool looking hi-tek scales on the internet, maybe it'd be worth it.

Anyway, as far as the diet is concerned, what I miss most is being able to eat a big breakfast. The protein shake alone just doesn't cut it. The only other thing I could do would be the protein omelet. And that means getting up earlier to make it. That's really difficult to do these days. Maybe after the time changes November 1st.

The only time I really have trouble with the diet is when I'm feeling down or depressed. I suppose in the "old" days when that happened I would seek comfort food. And that is the least healthiest. So, the majority of my problems are physiological.

Thursday I have my annual physical exam. I wonder what Jeff is going to say about it. I hope I break the 50 lb mark by then. But I may have blown that this weekend. Oh well. I knew it was going to be a long journey.

Martha Aucoin Update

2009-09-29T09:51:00.003-05:00

Martha will be having surgery this Thursday morning. Doctors don't expect any surprises or difficulties. Please keep her and the family in your prayers.

Prayer Request

2009-08-20T09:34:00.002-05:00

Please pray for Martha Aucoin. She discovered she has stage 1 breast cancer. Found early, her doctor said that her prognosis is good.

It's Only Logical

2009-08-05T10:10:00.001-05:00

Just Trying to Get A Head

2009-08-05T10:09:00.001-05:00

Just What I Don't Need, But Love

2009-08-05T09:49:00.004-05:00

Ok, as if I needed another source of food that I really really really shouldn't eat. Just opened down the street from my office is a new eating establishment, Burgersmith.

I tried it out last night and was very pleased. I especially liked the home baked, toasted bun. The menu isn't very big but it's big enough.

And unfortunately the prices aren't unreasonable. So as long as I must rely on self control, it looks like I'll be there at least two more times.

Signage

2009-03-06T21:12:00.002-06:00

At least he'll see it coming.

Batman 3???

2009-03-06T17:07:00.002-06:00

Is this a scene from Batman 3: The Revenge of Mrs. Joker.

On the rat-walk: Rodent headdress unveiled

2009-03-06T17:04:00.001-06:00

A designer has unveiled a full face headdress made of real mice and rat carcasses on the fringes of London Fashion Week.

A model paraded up and down the catwalk in the headdress, which covered her whole face except her eyes - rat tails dangling down at the front and whiskers tickling her skin.

The creation was designed by French-born hairdresser and wigmaker Charlie Le Mindu, 22.

"I really like mice and rats. But everybody doesn't like them and I just wanted to show people it could be really beautiful," he told AFP after the show.

Asked if he was worried about how animal rights campaigners might react, he said: "It's better to make them [the rodents] beautiful than give them to the snakes."

Le Mindu was not on the official schedule for London Fashion Week but staged a show on the fringes on the final day of the event.

- AFP

Ways to be cool

2009-03-06T16:53:00.001-06:00

Why didn't I have this when I was in high school?

10 Gnome Action Movies

2009-03-06T16:50:00.001-06:00

1. Toadstool Impact
2. Die Now, Frolic Later
3. Fatal Buttercup
4. Bluebird: Down!
5. Soldier of Merriment
6. Death Wears A Pointy Hat
7. Honeydew Velocity
8. Sudden Cottage
9. Twinkle With Extreme Prejudice
10. The Chipmunk Who Came In From The Cold

by Jason Toon & Scott Lydon

Hey, don't pick on me

2009-02-05T16:47:00.005-06:00

Scabs Bandages are band-aids bearing sweet little gross illustrations -- maggots, hatching spiders, eyeballs, or zippers -- for to speed your healing with stomach-churning levity. They didn't make fun stuff like this when I was a kid. Check it out.

Someone is making a cartoon of my life...

2009-02-05T16:32:00.004-06:00

This could easily, and might possibly, be a discussion in my house. Click the toon to make it larger.

Game? What Game??

2009-02-01T22:14:00.003-06:00

Yeah, yeah, it was fun and exciting and close till the end. But check out here what you might have missed:

Help for Monday Mornings

2009-01-26T10:38:00.003-06:00

I came across this little site with a live kitten cam. I needed it on this dreary Monday morning;

I hope you like it too.

8 Unusual College Scholarships

2009-01-24T10:15:00.003-06:00

by Kara Kovalchik and MentalFloss.com

Young people just don’t appreciate how easy they have it these days. Back when I was in high school, only the smartest or most athletic students were candidates for any type of college scholarship. Not anymore. Today’s students don’t have to be the best and the brightest to score some scratch – they can parlay a hobby, goofy talent or even a genetic luck of the draw into scholarship money. Take a gander at some of the more unusual opportunities that are available for eight subsets of the population (but first get the heck off my lawn.)

1. Dessert Enthusiasts
Is your sweet tooth serious enough to pursue a future as a pastry chef or chocolatier? The American Association of Candy Technologists offers an annual $5,000 scholarship to students enrolled at an accredited university who plan to major in food science and have a demonstrated interest in confectionary technology. Sounds like a great opportunity to expand both your waistline and your bank account!

2. Duck Callers
OK, this contest may border on the goofy, but the top prize is $1,500 in scholarship money, so if you’ve got a knack for calling ducks we say you’ve got nothing to lose but your dignity (and travel fare to Arkansas). The Chick and Sophie Major Memorial Duck Calling Contest is open to any high school senior in the U.S. Participants have 90 seconds to demonstrate their best hail, feed, comeback and mating calls. The top three placers also receive commemorative jackets, so get quackin’, er c rackin’, because $1,500 isn’t exactly chicken feed. (Me, I’m still looking for that ever elusive Bad Pun Scholarship.)

3. Fire Safety Experts (or literate people with decent luck)
Fire sprinkler systems save lives, and they might just save your neck if you’re sweating that college tuition bill. The American Fire Sprinkler Association scholarship program is not based on financial need; all interested students need to do is read an essay about fire sprinklers and then take a 10 question multiple choice test. Get this – the test is “open book.” You can print out the essay before taking the test! Each correctly answered question enters you into a drawing for a $2,000 scholarship, so if you ace the test, you’ll have ten chances to win.

4. Bagpipe Major s at Carnegie Mellon

One of the least competitive scholarships in the U.S.—it’s not unusual for there to be zero applicants—is the Carnegie Mellon University Bagpipe Scholarship. It offers $7,000 per year to a student who intends to major in bagpiping. (Andrew Carnegie loved bagpipe music, you see, and even brought a personal piper with him from Scotland when he emigrated to the U.S.) On the plus side of this offer, you get a kilt subsidy. On the minus side, class is held in the basement of the building due to the vehement complaints from neighboring classrooms upstairs. (Sorry, no link available. Yeah, like any of you would’ve clicked on it anyway.)

5. Creative Students at David Letterman’s Alma Mater
Because David Letterman was a C student at Ball State University, he established a scholarship at his alma mater that is awarded to telecommunications majors based strictly on the creativity of a submitted project, rather than a student’s GPA. The top prize is $10,000; previous winners have included a satirical script based on the novel Pride and Prejudice and a stop-action animated film of a penguin climbing a beer bottle.

6. People Looking for Unique Prom Attire
If you don’t mind looking like a dweeb (a sticky dweeb, to boot) at your high school prom, you could earn yourself a $3,000 scholarship check from the folks who make Duck Brand Duct Tape. You and your date simply need to fashion your prom outfits completely out of duct tape and then submit a color photo for consideration. Oh, and you have to actually wear those outfits to the dance, too.

7. Aspiring Children’s Television Stars
The Academy of Television Arts & Sciences awards three $10,000 scholarships annually in the name of the late, great Fred Rogers to college students pursuing a career in children’s media. Remember all those puppet shows you used to put on in the garage? Maybe that was an early indicator of your special talent…you are special, y’know.

8. Twins Who Don’t Hate Each Other
If you happen to be a twin and don’t mind spending an additional four years with your sibling, several schools offer scholarships for twins. Morris Brown College in Atlanta, Georgia, waives tuition for one twin when both enroll, Lake Erie College in Painsville, Ohio, offers half-off tuition for each twin, and Wilson College in Chambersburg, Pennsylvania, has 45% discounts available on tuition for female twins only.

"We've got to go back to the island"

2009-01-13T11:08:00.004-06:00

Ok, I'm really looking forward to this.

Watch too and let me know what you think.

"Every" Simpsons Couch Gag

2009-01-11T17:17:00.001-06:00

Disney Star Guitarist: Guitar Hero, But With Real Guitars

2009-01-10T22:08:00.008-06:00

Any real guitarist will tell you that Guitar Hero has nothing to do with any real-world instrument. Disney, surprisingly, has created an educational and inoffensive spin that uses a real guitar as a controller.

Disney Star Guitarist, made with help from Washburn Guitars, uses the same style of "falling notes" that Guitar Hero and Rock Band use so well. But instead of cheap plastic buttons that mock my years of slaving over a sweaty fretboard, trying to learn some shitty Dave Mathews Band song so girls at college would sleep with me, Star Guitarist makes use of a real guitar. The special strings are included with the $200 game, and can be strung onto any standard guitar. Disney Star Guitarist, along with similar versions for keyboards and vocals, will be released for both PC and Mac this summer. [Wired]

Start your countdowns.

MercyMe - Cover Tune Grab Bag

2009-01-10T01:03:00.008-06:00

One of the great things about the internet is talented people posting their creativity. Christian band MercyMe has a regular feature on their website called "Cover Tune Grab Bag" in which they make home made videos of their favorite pop and rock songs. Here is the latest.

Old Friends

2009-01-10T00:49:00.004-06:00

I came across this comic strip from 1998. It's sad and so true. Will we ever learn?

11 Failed Beer Styles

2008-12-15T18:44:00.002-06:00

Gruel Stout
Twice-Baked Lager
Turbo-Pilsner
Steam Beer That Is Still Really Hot
Stale Ale
Dry-Humped APA
Luxembourg Gray
Lambicarbonate of Soda
Insect Pale Ale
Bud Light With Brown Food Coloring Irish Stout
Hefvergnügen

By Toon, Lydon, Norman & Rutledge

And Now for Part Two...

2008-11-24T11:27:00.002-06:00

Journey: Personal - I know, I know...I'm long overdue with my response to Quantum of Solace. There have been a lot of criticism and poo-pooing in the media that QoS is thin in plot, humor, etc. That it's not Casino Royale. My response to that is "Well, Duh!!" (in my best Jeff Foxworthy voice).

Of course it's not Casino Royale. Is it as good on it's own as Casino Royale, no. Let's face it. Casino Royale was a very hard act to follow. But QoS should be viewed as CR part 2. The beginning takes place literally just a few hours after the previous movie ended. And here Bond is searching for answers and Vespers killers. It is more brooding and introspective because of what Bond is going through. Without CR there could have been no QoS. Watch them back to back, it's one great ride.

Take out your copy of Casino Royale or rent it, watch it and then go straight to the theater and see Quantum of Solace. You'll see what I mean.

Oh, James...is that a gun in your pocket or...oh, it IS a gun..

2008-11-13T14:12:00.006-06:00

Journey: Vicarious Adventure - OK, I'm definitely going tomorrow.

Check out this exciting review. Very different from the reviews that have been floating around about how bad the movie is. I'll be there as early as I can tomorrow.
Movie Review: Quantum of Solace Is the Perfect Bond Movie

What's that title again?

2008-11-02T21:30:00.004-06:00

Journey: Living Though Movies - I can't help it, I can hardly wait...

After the great "Casino Royale" a couple of years ago, I've been waiting for this one.

Anyone care to meet me at the theater?

Jesus Bring the Rain...

2008-09-12T18:03:00.001-05:00

Journey: Personal - We're just not catching the very outer north-east of Ike. Before all is said and done, we might end up with more rain than we did for Gustav. We definitely got the better of that deal. It's been windy today but it was a hot damp wind. I'm glad for the rain.

The tension hasn't been as bad for obvious. But I'm still surprised of how many people are clueless. I was in a local eating establishment today when I heard the wait-person say "I heard it a hurricane was coming to Louisiana", with kind of a "whatever" look on her face. It was probably just as well.

I think God today. I think Him that I didn't come to us. I thank Him that Ike weakened as it approached and won't be so strong. I think Him for a strong house that is not effected by the winds. There is just so much to be thankful for.

Later.

Finis

2008-09-01T19:50:00.002-05:00

Journey: Personal - In less than twelve hours it's all over. It's amazing that we never lost power. And we never lost cable television. Well, actually we did but not until after Gustav passed. I wouldn't have really cared except I was looking forward to watching the season premiere of Prison Break.

So all that's left is the cleanup. And there's enough of that. Take a look.

and

So the danger is over. Now comes the sweat.

Thank you, Lord, for your incredible blessings, love and grace.

Crecendo

2008-09-01T13:40:00.002-05:00

Journey: Personal - So far it's been almost boring. But now the center is approaching, and it won't be boring any longer. The worst winds are close. It's still better than they predicted but it's still bad.

We still have power but its flickering. We may loose it all together soon. I'll keep Twittering (klcheshire) and FBing as long as I can.

It won't be too much longer now and Gustav will be history for us. Then there are the poor people that have to deal with all the rains and flooding when it's in its tropical storm mode.

I'm starting to pray about Hanna and my friends in Florida now. Remember, keep the focus on God.

Somebody's Knocking

2008-09-01T08:55:00.002-05:00

Journey: Personal - Well here we go.

It was a very quiet night. Got nothing from the outer bands at all. I checked several times and it wasn't even windy.

So I'm guessing all of that is getting ready to change. I just went outside and stole Tim's newspaper (way to go paperboy) and felt very small droplets of water, but nothing steady.

I still hear someone hammering at something in the next neighborhood over. I quickly showered and filled the new tub with water. What a way to see how the drain stopper works.

I'm a little nervous but otherwise at peace. I continue to focus on God and His incredible love and mercy on me. Even in the worst case and I should loose any- to everything, I continue to be blessed beyond by deserving.

To all of my friends praying, thank you. I strongly believe it is helping. Continue to pray that God continues the refinement of my spirit, mind and body. I love you all.

Fear not, for I have redeemed you, I have summoned you by name, you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you walk through the fire, you will not be burned, the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior. - Isaiah 43

Forgive that each post now sounds like it's the last one. I just never know which one is before I loose power. :)

Riders on the Storm

2008-08-31T21:17:00.001-05:00

Journey: Personal - As I write this New Orleans is getting the first wave of the outer bands of Gustav. Earlier, at 6:15pm, we got the first rumblings of thunder and the wind started picking up.

There's been a lot of good news since my last post and this is probably my last before I loose power. The storm is weakening some and it sped up. All good for us. It'll still hit as a Cat 3 but better than the 4 or 5 some were predicting. So it's going to be intense, but will turn out ok.

Last night by the time I went to bed I was very uncertain about my decision to stay and ride it out. No, that's not exactly right. I was certain about the decision but felt uneasy about the situation. Of course there is an overall level of anxiety in the air all through the city. The hurricane is all everyone is talking about.

So this morning, since there wasn't a mandatory evacuation order, we had worship at church. I got up and did my usual thing. Of course our numbers were much lower than usual. But we worshiped. We worshiped good. We sang, laughed, prayed and focused on God instead of Gustav. It wasn't long before I wasn't even thinking about Gustav. Chris preached on worry. And it was some mighty fine preaching, too.

I was reminded how much fear I have in my life. Some of the fear is larger than others. Some are relatively new, some are as old as I can remember. Arguably most are unfounded in reality and maybe even completely irrational. I've made some progress on some. Some lie dormant for years, all but completely forgotten, only to rear up suddenly when I least expect it.

Categorically, many of the fears are insecurities. In speaking with some friends, they tell me that I give off exactly the opposite impression. That started in college. It was a time for me to "reinvent" myself. The me that I wanted people to see was confident, wise and secure in myself. The me that was on the inside was scared, doubtful and afraid of failure.

But God is working on me. He's trying to teach me not to be afraid. He's trying to teach me to trust. I'm getting there. This morning was a strong lesson. When there is something I am afraid of, the way I give it up to Him is to focus completely on Him. Blindingly all on Him. Sometimes that means prayer or worship. Other times it means focusing on Him through service to others. I'm not good at the serving others part. At least outside of the church. And what keeps me from being better at it is my insecurities and self centeredness.

Lord, break through my stubborn, sinful nature. Do what you need to to teach me. Put me up against a hurricane or worse yet, my own fears and insecurities.

Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him,
and He will direct your paths.
- Proverbs 3:5-6

Tom Petty, Get Outta My Head

2008-08-30T17:37:00.001-05:00

Journey: Personal - At the point we're about 40 hours from the meat of Gustav. All of the models say it's headed straight for us. In chatting with friends in Florida, they're feeling the outer bands of it. It has gotten bigger.

Looking at this radar shows how much difference a little distance east or west can make. It's just now coming onshore of Cuba and already the models are starting to change.

What is that? You say you hear something? Sounds like "whistling in the dark"? Well, may be but that's going to turn into whistling in the wind. Yeah, Yeah, I may change my mind tomorrow. But that's tomorrow. But I do think if I left I'd worry more.

But right now I can't get that song from Tom Petty out of my head, "the waiting is the hardest part."

Thank God we have worship in the morning.

Watching & Waiting

2008-08-28T19:13:00.003-05:00

Journey: Personal - It doesn't seem like it's been three years since Hurricanes Katrina and Rita. But now we sit in a similar state: watching and waiting to see what Gustav is going to do. It still won't hit land until probably four or five days from now but everyone is watching so closely.

I don't remember waiting in nervous anticipation of hurricanes growing up in Florida. The good Lord knows we got 'em. I also don't remember ever evacuating for one. Crawfordville was close enough to the coast to feel the mighty power of the storm but far enough that storm surge was not an issue. The same is here. We lost one really old roof several years ago, which was actually a blessing. It needed replacing and the insurance deductible was cheeper than a new roof. It think that was Lily.

Gretchen and I talked about our plans this morning. Without too much detail we agree that if it's really bad that she'll go inland. But unless there is a mandatory evacuation notice, I think I'm going to stay here. I guess it's the "guy" in me that wants to stay on the homestead. Like there's something I can do.

But I continue to pray. I pray that somehow that Gustav will do as little damage as possible. I pray that we will be spared the worst of it without somehow wishing it on someone else. But I especially pray for ears to hear what He wants me to do in this situation as well and daily. I think hearing has always been my weakness. Or maybe it's just the interpretation of what I'm hearing.

Anyway, I've changed the anthem in worship for Sunday. I'm going to sing Casting Crowns' "Praise You in This Storm". God's peace and protection be with us all.

I was sure by now
That You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen",
and it's still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry
You raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth

Lord, You are the God of the Storm. Amen, and Amen.

He does exist...

2008-08-12T10:33:00.005-05:00

Journey: Spiritual - Pastor Daniel Hixon has a blog called Gloria Deo: Wesleyan-glican ramblings. In this blog he discusses various timely issues on the state of the church as a whole as well and the United Methodist Church. I have thoroughly enjoyed his posts.

Daniel has two receint posts dealing with spirits, Satan and exorcism within the United Methodist Church that is fascinating and important. It speaks to many concerns I've had for several years. I recommend reading them before continuing.

As time goes by C.S. Lewis' The Screwtape Letters become less humorous and more frightening. These days it hits a little too close to home. I am a life long Methodist and have been concerned about our middle-of-the-road stance on too many issues. Once speaking with my formerly Roman Catholic wife, we were talking about her sisters fascination with "haunted" B&Bs. I told her that I would have nothing to do with it. She said that maybe because her sister was Catholic that she believe more in the "supernatural." I told her it was BECAUSE I believe in the spirit world that I don't want to have anything to do with them. Either placed like those are hoaxes or they're not. If they're not and there are spirits there, they are not benevolent. They are of Satan and are evil. Satan downplays things to make them seem harmless and curiosities. They are a trap. He does this in many ways in our culture.

Going back to my wife's comment, it told me the perception of Methodists. That we don't believe in the spirit world. And on a whole we don't. We're too busy trying to get the middle-of-the-roaders in our doors. And that means once they're in here, we don't want to do anything to upset them or to scare them off.

But I do believe in spirits. I believe there is a huge battle being fought all around us. And when we pray, we send angels into this battle on our and God's behalf. When we are tempted to sin, there are spirit forces at work. When we rebuke sin, it is a spiritual victory for us.

The devil is real. He/she is attractive, otherwise there would be no temptation. But Satan is cleaver in the most subtile of ways. And that's where he trips me up. It's with the Reese's Peanut Butter Cups or the McDonald's french fries. The BMW or new golf clubs doesn't do it for me (please disregard my previous posts about the iPhone - ooops).

Keep your eyes, physical and spiritual, open and alert.

Thanks Daniel, for reminding us again, it's not about us.

Sucking it Up

2008-07-31T09:12:00.001-05:00

Journey: Manhood - This week I'm taking a "stay-cation." I am devoting a hugh portion of the week cleaning my "home office." This is a project that is so long overdue as to cause marital strife.

Why do I have so much trouble doing things like this? After all, I love it when it's nice and clean. I think a big part of my trouble is I have a hard time throwing things away. So I don't have a problem with putting things in their place, it's just that they don't have places.

So I'm sucking it up on this vacation time to be responsible. I must look towards the heavenly (and marital) rewards.

Big Geek

2008-07-30T07:25:00.002-05:00

Journey: Geek - Ok, I'm feeling particularly geeky these days. Yes, I got my iPhone 3G, and yes, I was 10th in line of about 70 or so people. Now I'm blogging from my iPhone. It's sad and cool at the same time. Now I can sit in "another room" and blog away. Yeah, like I really do A LOT if blogging. But like most Geek motivations, "because I can" seems to be the reason.

Time Machine 1

2008-07-02T12:36:00.014-05:00

Journey: The Past - I continue to add and communicate with people from my high school class on Facebook. I think we're up to 35 now. Many of them I have very little memory of because we traveled in different social circles. But I at least recognize the names. Some have been great enough to post pictures. What I need to do is find my yearbook from senior year. That will be my best reminder.

And I need to do that before the end of September. I have made all of the arrangements but one for Gretchen and I to meet many of them on a three day cruise out of Orlando. Gretch and I need to get away anyway. This will be a great way to do it.

So, before then, I need to find my yearbook and the two of us sit down and I'll bore her with a bunch of stories.

Journey: Geek - 8 days and 19 hours till iPhone3g!! I'm so excited!

Memories, light the corners...

2008-06-10T15:16:00.003-05:00

Journey: Personal - This weekend is my 30th high school reunion.I have a little trouble wrapping my mind around that. It's also been 22 years since graduated Florida Southern College. Anyway, this has prompted me to get in contact with some of the old crew. One of the ways I have been doing that is through Facebook.

It has been a wonderful tool not only for tracking down old classmates but relatives too. I found Mitch Wesley, my last remaining relative on my mother's side of the family. I also found Matt Champagne, whom I last saw in New York City, someplace in the midwest.

Originally I got into Facebook just as a social giggle at church. I took all of the Covenant emails I had on my home computer and sent invitations to join. I then created a page for Covenant. By now dozens have joined and many of us have a great time. Slowly, I'm adding high school and college friends too.

I won't be able to attend the reunion this weekend. But I'll be there in spirit and I'm marking the 40th down on my iCal right now.

The Heat is On

2008-06-10T15:03:00.004-05:00

Journey: Technical - O Happy Day!!! One of the two announcements that I've been waiting for is here. Yesterday, Apple announced the iPhone3G.

As the ad says. "Twice the speed at half the price". All I need to do is decide if I want it in white or black. I think I'll stick with white. Now do I need it. Yes and no. No in that I have a cell phone. Yes in that it is sooo cooooll. Several times I almost bought one over the last year.

This will allow me to finally integrate the way I've wanted to. Now all of my contacts, calendars and even emails will be portable.

Apple didn't, however, announce the upgrades on the MacBooks. I was hoping they would and I could get one of the new ones before going to the worship leader conference in Austin next month. I guess it may be a Christmas gift.

Now What?

2008-05-13T11:48:00.006-05:00

Journey: Manhood - Now that the 24 week course of Men's Fraternity: The Search of Authentic Manhood is over, now what?

Now is the day to day application of what I learned. Some of it is easier than other parts. There are several things that will take time to implement. There are some things that I have to re-learn. For instance, when am I being accommodating and when am I being passive? How can I tell the difference? For instance, when is letting my wife have her way about something actually being passive and I shouldn't do it? This is going to be very rough for me. It's not that I don't want to do it, I'm just having a difficult time understanding the subtleties of it all.

I think I have a handle on the mother issues. That was easier. I may go overboard on the boundaries and demand issues, but that's to be expected. I cannot make her happy.

In the fall we'll offer the course again. This time at two separate times, Sunday evening and Tuesday mornings. I'm really hoping that we can get a lot of guys to sign up. Because next year I want to do the second series, Men's Fraternity: Winning at Work and Home. Wish me luck this summer.

Ain't No Cure for the Summertime Blues

2008-05-12T21:33:00.007-05:00

Journey: Personal - I am not, repeat, not looing forward to the summer. It makes me wish I would take a winter job in Greenland or Alaska or someplace that's not hot and sticky. Praise God I have a job that has air-conditioning.

But there are some good things also. I have the National Worship Leader Conference coming up in July (unfortunately in Austin so no break from the heat there) and a vacation somewhere in there if I can only decide what I'm going to do. Maybe I'll wait and take it in September when it might be cooler.

On other fronts, I lately I have been playing around with Facebook. And quite a few Covenant people have gotten on too. I've even found a long-lost relative, a friends over seas and the "girl" I got my first real kiss from in high school. However I have to fight the urge to spend too much time on it.

So, summer, here we go. I vow to keep up with this blog.

Approaching the End

2008-02-15T18:59:00.002-06:00

Journey: Manhood - This is such an amazing, life changing ride. Since my last post we have finally reached the Biblical definition of a man. And it is really unbelievable. It is an incredible responsibility that I never realized. I never realized how drastic and all encompassing it is. It is a level of committment that I think most men would reject if they truly understood it. But the rewards are heavenly, not earthly.

I think the most difficult part of it is that I must disregard my feelings. That has been the single hang-up in taking all of this in. That has been my biggest problem. My entire downfall has been from acting on what I was feeling or not feeling about specific things.

There are four more weeks in the program and the next two sessions are about the marriage relationship. I'm really excited about it. The extent of all of this is so new. Now that I have the Biblical basis and the Godly promises behing it all, I think I can really do it and do it well. I'll stumble and make mistakes, but I'm going to make it.

Strength vs. Weakness

2007-11-02T11:08:00.000-05:00

Journey: Job - I've been Director of Music here at Church of the Covenant for going on six years now. One of the reasons that I've been as successful as I have is that I am mainly and foremost a musician. My primary concern is the sound of the final product. All that I do in rehearsals points to that one goal. All of the duties not relating to this, I generally do not like to do. And it is those things that I'm not as good at doing.

Administratively I am weak. I don't like planning. Sure I do it four months in advance but that's so I don't have to do it for another four months. I get bored organizing and filing music.

Socially I am "lacking". I communicate frankly without regard to who needs "stroking" and complimenting. Within rehearsals if I don't address something or someone it's because it or they are doing fine. I was reinforced in that in undergraduate school.

Generally there is harmony within each of my ensembles. But when there is discontent, that is with me, I tend to let it bother me too much. I start second guessing my decisions, and especially, my ability to do the right thing. It hits in my vulnerability if self-doubt. I often joke that working in a church would be such a breeze if it weren't for people. A joke, yes. A reality, most certainly.

So today I'm second guessing and doubting. But after counciling with a couple of close co-staff, I'm starting to feel better about it. There is something lacking in my confidence and job security that when something like this happens I get a knot in the pit of my stomach. I should be confident in my job to not let it bother me.

Just some rocks on my job journey road.

Mom, you're not going to like this, but...

2007-10-31T09:34:00.000-05:00

Journey: Manhood - Wow, yesterday morning's Men's Fraternity: The Quest for Authentic Manhood session was amazing. Session 8: Making a Healthy Break with Mom. There weren't any real big surprises. Basically, you have to confront her with what you are going to do, set boundaries and then stick to it all no matter what she does.

And that's really the tricky part. Dr. Lewis read a set of letter between a man and his mom. First the man's letter, it was very direct and honest without being insulting. It reinforced his feeling, needs and affection for his mother. Then came the reply letter from the mom. Full of bitterness and over the top statements designed to make her son feel guilty. When I first heard it a chill went through me. It sounded exactly like something my mom would say, even before her mind started to go. Dr. Lewis stressed that moms do adjust.

But I don't think that is a large option for me. There are several strikes against me inthat I am her legal caretaker. Her need for me is more than just emotional. So, I have to try to reinforce different boundaries. And I've been trying to do that. Thank God that she has the people at Rosewood Retirement Community to take care of her on a daily basis. I can't imagine what it would be like if she had to live with us.

I will have to just do the best I can until she dies. The ongoing issues are doing to be within my marriage. There are some natural pitfalls that I have to learn to avoid. Gretchen says now that she sees what the characteristics are, she sees them clearly. We have to establish which of my traits are because of my personality type (melancholy) and which are because of Mom.

Now the following wounds that we'll cover in MF will be new territory. I'm looking forward them.

Dearest Mommy...From Another View

2007-10-29T09:08:00.001-05:00

Journey: Manhood - Something interesting happened last night. I had my wife, Gretchen, watch last weeks Manhood session with me. I thought this would help her understand some things a little better.

Apparently, it worked better than I thought. She identifies me as the "soft male" even more than I do. She admitted that this may be the source of some of her resentment. I don't know that I agree that I am so much that way. Or, at least, that it is completely bad. I think that there are some characteristics that are good and don't have anything to do with that.

Well, this weeks session is what to do about it. I have decided not to watch it in advance. But I may breakdown and watch it anyway.

Dearest Mommy

2007-10-23T10:53:00.000-05:00

Journey: Manhood - This morning's Men's Fraternity: The Quest for Authentic Manhood session made us unpack our "Mom" issues.

These issues are more complex and trickier to deal with than the "Dad" issues. Dr. Lewis described Mom Wounds to paper-cuts. Sometimes you hardly notice them on the surface but they hurt like hell and sometimes don't heal very quickly. They are much more subtle.

I have more to deal with here than the Father wounds. Mainly because Mom is right here and I deal with her on an almost daily basis. But realistically, I have 48 years of history with Mom and she fits several of the categories in the lessons.

One of the important points is that most moms, mine included, did not intend to cause these wounds. Initially Mom fell into the "Needy/Hurting" type when I was small. Mom had one child, a daughter, Wanda, from her first marriage. They were very close, just like best friends. When I was small, Wanda was killed in an automobile accident with a drunk driver. When that happened, she took all of her love and grief for Wanda and piled them onto me. I remember Dad telling me years ago, "Kenny, if it wasn't for you, I would have lost your mother when Wanda died." Mom almost went over the deep end. Mom has always made me her very first priority ever since. This was very wrong and non-scriptural.

As the years passed and I reached adulthood, that didn't change. At that point she fell into the "Unwilling to Release" type. She still sees me as her little boy. She has told me on several occasions, as recently as six weeks ago, that "it's just you and me against the world."

So now as dementia and Alzheimer's settles in and progresses, it gets progressively worse. Only now there is not reasoning with her. Her memory and comprehension is terrible. And this will only get worse as time passes. She is totally miserable and hermit-ive. She refuses to make new friends at her retirement home and will not participate in the activities. She is just waiting to die. But like I say, that isn't going to change.

Anyway, how as all of this effected me? There are two main ways in which boys/men respond to these patterns. And the one I "chose" was to resist and pull away. I see that pattern throughout my life. I have always wanted but failed to get respect from her. To get acceptance as an adult. I have tried to communicate all of that with her but she just doesn't (or doesn't want to) get it.

Mom and I have never had much in common. I have always been more like my father. Mom and I rarely saw eye-to-eye on anything. We were never really close that way.

So now, as she gets more needy I respond even more so. Can you say "vicious cycle?" I think this is just the beginning of a long process. After all, she's not going to change. I'll probably be struggling with this until she dies. And maybe even a little after that.

Next Tuesday we'll see how I'm supposed to deal with all of this. I am skeptical but trying to keep an open mind about it.

The New Toy

2007-10-23T10:07:00.000-05:00

Journey: Fun - Since I'm a guy, toys are very important. I don't try to keep up with all the new technology (can't afford it) but sometimes there is something I can get into.

For instance, by link-hopping on Amazon.com, I came across the Flip Video Ultra camcorder. It is a small camcorder with built in memory. There is a built-in USB plug in the side to plug directly into the computer. With built in software, videos can be converted and uploaded almost effortlessly to YouTube.com or other webservices. Here are a couple of tests.

This is friend Melissa at our Fall Picnic this past Sunday.

And this is my wife Gretchen at the MercyMe (yes, we saw them again) and Aaron Shust concert last Friday night in Baton Rouge. Here she gets Aaron's autograph.

I did no editing to either of these. These are uploaded directly from the Flip Video Ultra. I imagine I could get a better quality if I compressed and uploaded them manually.

So now I have a new toy to help keep me distracted from all of the stuff I need to be doing.