One of the hardest things about growing old is giving up dreams. I've had to do that many times over the last twelve years.
Now I find myself having to give up another dream. It's sometimes hard for me to do. I am, by nature, a dreamer; having been taught from an early age to dream big, envision those dreams, and to work hard to achieve them.
I wish giving up dreams was easy, like throwing or putting something away. But it's not because our dreams are a part of us. A part of our mind, and often, a part of our heart. And, of course, some are easier to give up than others.
So, here I am again. I am asking God's help to let this dream go. To just take it from me. He can do that if He wants. I think it's what He wants me to do. And, therefore, I trust Him that whatever follows will be better.
God has blessed me abundantly throughout my life. Even in this, my most difficult time. Someone told me the other day, "just hang on", which is what I always tell others. I said that I will. I must. I don't know what else to do. There is only one way I could abandon God, and that is unthinkable. There is too much at stake.
And as my heart is very heavy at the moment, a part of that weight is for a few of my friends that are struggling too. Some even more than I am. Some know Christ personally, but some don't. I wish I could swoop in and "save" them. But we know that's not possible. So I continue to pray constantly for God to show me who or what He wants me to be in their lives. And for me, that can be tough because it's so much easier to "fix" someone else's life than it is our own, right? 🤦♂️
Tomorrow I go back to see my counselor for the first time in about two years. Probably this is long overdue. I have ALWAYS felt better after my sessions. So why have I waited so long? Partly because it feels as if nothing has progressed in my life since then. Any real progression has been in the negative. And, whereas I know I will feel better, I won't be "healed". The next day will come and everything will probably be the same. But as perspective becomes more difficult to see, through the lens of depression and anxiety, my counselor is invaluable in regaining that perspective.
I continue to pray for my friends. I continue to pray that I see myself and others through God's eyes alone. I pray for guidance and a job where I can be productive again, and regain my footing financially and economically. I pray for the peace and joy that I've been missing for a long time. That I can help my friends the way that they have helped me. And I pray for a new dream that I yet may still live the rest of my life with my own family. I had such a small taste of that before it was taken away. I gave up on that for years following. But I'm taking up that dream again. It may not happen. And whereas I feel I have a lot to offer, the woman for me would have to be very special indeed. Not because I'm so "wonderful", but because I'm so weird. (I know some of you are probably nodding your heads right now)
