Approaching the End

Journey: Manhood - This is such an amazing, life changing ride. Since my last post we have finally reached the Biblical definition of a man. And it is really unbelievable. It is an incredible responsibility that I never realized. I never realized how drastic and all encompassing it is. It is a level of committment that I think most men would reject if they truly understood it. But the rewards are heavenly, not earthly.

I think the most difficult part of it is that I must disregard my feelings. That has been the single hang-up in taking all of this in. That has been my biggest problem. My entire downfall has been from acting on what I was feeling or not feeling about specific things.

There are four more weeks in the program and the next two sessions are about the marriage relationship. I'm really excited about it. The extent of all of this is so new. Now that I have the Biblical basis and the Godly promises behing it all, I think I can really do it and do it well. I'll stumble and make mistakes, but I'm going to make it.

Mom, you're not going to like this, but...

Journey: Manhood - Wow, yesterday morning's Men's Fraternity: The Quest for Authentic Manhood session was amazing. Session 8: Making a Healthy Break with Mom. There weren't any real big surprises. Basically, you have to confront her with what you are going to do, set boundaries and then stick to it all no matter what she does.

And that's really the tricky part. Dr. Lewis read a set of letter between a man and his mom. First the man's letter, it was very direct and honest without being insulting. It reinforced his feeling, needs and affection for his mother. Then came the reply letter from the mom. Full of bitterness and over the top statements designed to make her son feel guilty. When I first heard it a chill went through me. It sounded exactly like something my mom would say, even before her mind started to go. Dr. Lewis stressed that moms do adjust.

But I don't think that is a large option for me. There are several strikes against me inthat I am her legal caretaker. Her need for me is more than just emotional. So, I have to try to reinforce different boundaries. And I've been trying to do that. Thank God that she has the people at Rosewood Retirement Community to take care of her on a daily basis. I can't imagine what it would be like if she had to live with us.

I will have to just do the best I can until she dies. The ongoing issues are doing to be within my marriage. There are some natural pitfalls that I have to learn to avoid. Gretchen says now that she sees what the characteristics are, she sees them clearly. We have to establish which of my traits are because of my personality type (melancholy) and which are because of Mom.

Now the following wounds that we'll cover in MF will be new territory. I'm looking forward them.

Dearest Mommy...From Another View

Journey: Manhood - Something interesting happened last night. I had my wife, Gretchen, watch last weeks Manhood session with me. I thought this would help her understand some things a little better.

Apparently, it worked better than I thought. She identifies me as the "soft male" even more than I do. She admitted that this may be the source of some of her resentment. I don't know that I agree that I am so much that way. Or, at least, that it is completely bad. I think that there are some characteristics that are good and don't have anything to do with that.

Well, this weeks session is what to do about it. I have decided not to watch it in advance. But I may breakdown and watch it anyway.

Dearest Mommy

Journey: Manhood - This morning's Men's Fraternity: The Quest for Authentic Manhood session made us unpack our "Mom" issues.

These issues are more complex and trickier to deal with than the "Dad" issues. Dr. Lewis described Mom Wounds to paper-cuts. Sometimes you hardly notice them on the surface but they hurt like hell and sometimes don't heal very quickly. They are much more subtle.

I have more to deal with here than the Father wounds. Mainly because Mom is right here and I deal with her on an almost daily basis. But realistically, I have 48 years of history with Mom and she fits several of the categories in the lessons.

One of the important points is that most moms, mine included, did not intend to cause these wounds. Initially Mom fell into the "Needy/Hurting" type when I was small. Mom had one child, a daughter, Wanda, from her first marriage. They were very close, just like best friends. When I was small, Wanda was killed in an automobile accident with a drunk driver. When that happened, she took all of her love and grief for Wanda and piled them onto me. I remember Dad telling me years ago, "Kenny, if it wasn't for you, I would have lost your mother when Wanda died." Mom almost went over the deep end. Mom has always made me her very first priority ever since. This was very wrong and non-scriptural.

As the years passed and I reached adulthood, that didn't change. At that point she fell into the "Unwilling to Release" type. She still sees me as her little boy. She has told me on several occasions, as recently as six weeks ago, that "it's just you and me against the world."

So now as dementia and Alzheimer's settles in and progresses, it gets progressively worse. Only now there is not reasoning with her. Her memory and comprehension is terrible. And this will only get worse as time passes. She is totally miserable and hermit-ive. She refuses to make new friends at her retirement home and will not participate in the activities. She is just waiting to die. But like I say, that isn't going to change.

Anyway, how as all of this effected me? There are two main ways in which boys/men respond to these patterns. And the one I "chose" was to resist and pull away. I see that pattern throughout my life. I have always wanted but failed to get respect from her. To get acceptance as an adult. I have tried to communicate all of that with her but she just doesn't (or doesn't want to) get it.

Mom and I have never had much in common. I have always been more like my father. Mom and I rarely saw eye-to-eye on anything. We were never really close that way.

So now, as she gets more needy I respond even more so. Can you say "vicious cycle?" I think this is just the beginning of a long process. After all, she's not going to change. I'll probably be struggling with this until she dies. And maybe even a little after that.

Next Tuesday we'll see how I'm supposed to deal with all of this. I am skeptical but trying to keep an open mind about it.