100 Things I Learned From Watching Movies

1. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there, and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.

2. You’re very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home,

3. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it is not necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

4. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds. That will finish in a sex scene.

5. If staying in a haunted house, women must investigate any strange noises in their most diaphaous underwear, which is just what they happened to be carrying with them at the time the car broke down.

6. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.

7. If someone says, “I’ll be right back”, they won’t.

8. Computer monitors never display a cursor on screen but always say: “Enter Password Now”.

9. It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations. And none of your friends have to knock when they come for a visit. In addition, every front door can be opened from the outside without having to use a key.

10. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

11. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they’re going to go off.

12. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

13. If you decide to start dancing in the street everyone around you will automatically be able to mirror all the steps you come up with and hear the music in your head.

14. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

15. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

16. Any bullet from a handgun has enough force to throw a full-grown man ten feet back.

17. Characters will always find a parking space right in front of the building they’re going to even in a large metropolitan city where parking is basically impossible.

18. Characters at a bar or at a restaurant table will always get the attention of a server at the exact moment they need to order.

19. When a gift/present is given, the top is wrapped separately from the rest of the box and it lifts straight off so that there is never any ripping or fumbling with wrapping paper.

20. A chase scene on foot in a city always has a shot of one of the characters running into the street, nearly being hit by a car screeching to a halt at which point the driver flails his arm out the window and yells an expletive.

21. Anytime a character in an awful rush confronts another character curious about his predicament, the first one says, “There’s no time to explain,” and then explains anyway.

22. No matter how slow zombies walk they will always catch up.

23. The bad guy will always throw his gun at you to indicate he has run out of bullets.

24. A candle or table lamp can light a whole room and at night time, it’s blue.

25. If the main guy is in love with the main girl, he will always get her in the end, even if she’s married. If she is married, her husband will always say “oh well, if it makes you happy”… and he’ll never go to beat the crap out of the other guy.

26. If you are in a film, it is easy for you to master the skill of controling any vehicle you need, weather it be landing a plane, for example.

27. Everybody when needing a computer can type supper fast and never need to hit the space bar!

28. Computers never freeze or crash, unlike in the real world.

29. The computers have super duper graphics programes which can zoom into blurs in fotos to make them super clear!

30. The best way to get laid is to put on some slow jazz music.

31. Everytime the “hero” is sneeking into the bad guy’s room, checking secret files on the computer:
      1a. The password is already typed in.
      1b. The password is very simple.
    2. There appears a very slow bar saying “copying”, “deleting” or “printing” and it is finished just before the bad guy, the security guard or the mexican cleaner comes in.
     3. In addition to your non-booting computer, they are also turned off in a flash.
    4. All the characters, even the blonde bimbo’s put in to lure us to the cinema, became all-knowing super-mega-nerds once behind a computer. They always know what to do and how to avoid things.

32. Good guys never panic, they stay cool at point black range, and bluff their way out with the “you could surely use me in your plan” crap.

33. Heavy guns, for example on helicopters, cause cosmetic damage to the hero’s transport, but one bullet makes the chopper blow up.

34. Text appearing on a computer monitor appears letter by letter and making a sound as if it was produced by a typewriter.

35. You can find whatever you want on the net in a matter of seconds.

36. If in a battle scene a bad guy actually manages to shoot a good guy, the good guy’s friend has the time to listen to his friend’s dying speech. Once dead, the friend stands up and shoots the correct bad guy (amongst a whole host of bad guys). The bad guy has apparently been sitting around just waiting to be shot!!

37. No Australian movie is complete without one of this:
      1. A Kangaroo.
      2. A Boomerang.
      3. Ayers Rock.
      4. A Koala.
      5. All of the above.

38. When someone uses a TV remote it makes a clicking sound that is impossible to replicate by existing remotes.

39. When gunfire erupts in public places and cops respond instantly to it, they’re usally killed by the first shots.

40. When gunfire erupts in public, where there are no cops, they take forever to arrive, but they can still chase the gunmen.

41. Detectives can watch a drug deal (carried out furtively in a shop doorway) go down from a distance of five yards away by the simple expedient of sitting in a car with a newspaper raised to eye level.

42. Cats always make a noise. If someone is creeping into a house and is momentarily scared by a cat, it always has to meow before running off.

43. A woman being chased by a murderer will always fall over, either because she’s running in stilettos or is ridiculously clumsy.

44. Serial killers never just die… they will remain still for ages so that the hero is fooled and walks right past them… at which point the killer grabs their ankle and then keeps fighting.

45. It is possible to drive safely for long periods with your head turned completely away from the road ahead, either in conversation or looking at a map.

46. People brush their teeth before eating breakfast but not afterwards, at which point they run out the door with a piece of toast in their mouth.

47. Aussie accents in American films always sound like a mix of Cockney, South African and New Zealander. And they say things like “Streuth!” and “Blimey!”

48. The bad guy’s sexy girl will try to seduce the good guy, then when that fails will beat him up using martial arts. That while wearing skintight leather, lycra and stilettos.

49. Women can never find their car keys while being pursued by a killer. Once they do find them, it takes them ages to fumble the keys into the ignition, giving the killer enough time to reach the car and pound on the window.

50. Somehow cars take several turns of the key to start but only when someone is chasing you.

51. Every bad guy knows how to tie really complicated knots… which somehow the good guy manages to untie.

52. A person investigating strange noises in their house always finds that the lights don’t work, then stumble around in the dark rather than getting a torch. At least one of the noises they hear will turn out to be made by a cat.

53. When a cat eats a fish, it leaves the skeleton perfectly reserved and intact.

54. Dogs always bark at ghosts.

55. Vicious guard dogs can be easily distracted with a piece of steak.

56. Mice can somehow fashion a perfectly semi-circular entrance to their dwelling.

57. A small goat is capable of propelling a fully grown man through the air by butting him in the ass with it’s horns.

58. Many animals, when they consume alcohol, will take on human drunken characteristics, usually to the sound of a trombone being played.

59. Anytime a person is expecting a bad guy to jump out at them, often they’ll sigh in relief when it’s just the cat, or the wind, or a tree branch against the window. But as soon as they let their guard down and laugh at their “silliness”, they’re going to be attacked by the bad guy that really was there after all.

60. When someone puts a baby down to bed, that baby coos and smiles, and then just goes right off to sleep. It’s amazing.

61. If someone jumps off a bridge into a river, lake, etcetera, the water will always be deep enough to keep them from getting hurt. But when a bad guy falls from a river, he/she’s good as gone.

62. Police officers never wait for back-up.

63. The only time people do say hello on the telephone is when it turns to be the bad guy on the other end of line calling to torment them.

64. Bad things usually happen to women who are alone in the house on stormy nights.

65. If you are driving somewhere on any other route other than a city roadway, you will probably have that road all to yourself and will not pass or be passed by another vehicle.

66. In the movies everyone seems to have some odd “L shaped” sheets on their beds able to cover a woman up to her neck and her partner up to his waste.

67. Being around a bomb causes time to slow down.

68. Bad guys die instantly, good guys die slowly.

69. When the good guy is being attacked by a gang, they will run at him one at a time while the rest stay (in the case of ninjas, dance) around in a menacing manner, allowing him to kick all of their asses by the time the scene is over.

70. Most of police investigations will require at least one visit to a strip club.

71. You can jump from a tall building and land on mattresses, a pile of boxes, or a dumpster full of garbage and, though you might groan and be a little slow getting up, you will not sustain any serious injury.

72. It’s very easy to fool the security guards at highly top secret government institutions.

73. It’s very easy for a computer hacker to break a security code and find just the information he’s looking for in less than a minute.

74. If you’re a criminal mastermind, you cannot just shoot the hero in the back, you have to tie him up and wait for some diabolical machine to finish the hero off and you can’t wait around to make sure it works, which allows the hero a chance to escape, which he always does because apparently no bad guy ever got his knot tying badge in the boy scouts.

75. When an ugly girl takes off her glasses, gets a haircut, and puts on nice clothes she is suddenly very hot.

76. No matter who you are calling, no matter what time you are making the call, the person you’re calling will always answer the phone, usually after only one or two rings. Of course, this assumes you aren’t running from a killer while trying to make a call on a cell phone, in which case there is a 100% chance that either the battery will be dead or you won’t be able to get a signal.

77. Whenever you put on a seatbelt, you will get into an accident.

78. The good guy always has the cooler cell phone.

79. If you chase someone through a park you will never step in dog poop or chewing gum, but you will always step on someone’s picnic.

78. No matter how crowded the bar is, there are always extra stools available right in front of a bartender who is just standing there waiting for someone to order.

80. People who oversleep and get woken up by phone calls go straight to work without making the bed, but when they get home at night, their bed is made.

81. People in movies rarely have to shave, and whenever a guy does shave, he will be interrupted while half finished, and will wipe the remaining shaving cream off with a towel. Of course, even the part he didn’t get to shave will be perfectly smooth.

82. When a good guy enters a house, he/she will avoid every shot of machine gun fire while killing a lot of bad guys. He/she doesn’t need to reload his pistol until he runs out of ammo, which coincidentially happens when the main bad guy appears, at which point he fights him/her hand to hand.

83. In battle, a normal peon soldier is shot with one bullet and instantly drops dead to the ground, while the protagonist in said battle can be shot in various places by multiple shooters, and survive with a few bandages and a cast.

84. It doesn’t matter who you call, if they choose not to answer their phone you will get their voicemail in less than 1.5 rings.

85. A devious villain will immediately shoot a non-important character whenever needed without hesitation. However when he finally has the chance to kill the hero seeking to craft his doom, he will undoubtedly hold a firearm trained on said protagonist for at least 90 seconds while performing a well-written soliliquoy. This delay is all the hero needs to escape.

86. When a woman is being pursued by a scary serial killer that she knows is in her house, she will always run upstairs instead of out of the house.

87. You can break into any house or door with a credit card.

88. The bad guy will always tell the good guy every detail about his masterplan instead of just shooting him.

89. Whenever a guy and a girl hop into a bed together in three seconds the girl will start moaning and will be close to climaxing. Plus the guy will always put a minimal effort, after all she will still be screaming and moaning away.

90. When someone has stopped breathing and has no pulse, simply breathing into her mouth twice and looking extremely distressed while screaming “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” will bring her back to life immediately.

91. In a TV episode where someone will probaly die, there’s always an extra character that no one has ever seen before to kill him.

92. Aliens will always have more advanced techonology than us.

93. When you turn on the tv, the news will always be on.

94. People never obey warnings.

95. There’s always a corrupt police officer.

96. Movie theatres and drive-ins only show classic horror movies.

98. If you meet a member of the opposite sex, and you both hate each other… don’t worry… you’ll eventually fall in love with each other.

99. Major disasters always happen in New York.

100. The President is always very considerate and well-spoken. Not to mention he always is able to fly a jet fighter when needed.

Source: NedHardy.com

Signs of a True Cat Lover

1. When a true cat lover sleeps, he hardly makes any movements, let alone moving his toes.

2. If you put a heavy thing on a sleeping cat lover, he will try to keep it there undisturbed all the night.

3. A dead mouse touches the heart of a true cat lover; a dead rat draws his admiration.

4. You may think that he’s got a cold – every time a true cat lover enters a room, he closes any doors and windows.

5. If you want to show that you’re madly jealous because of a true cat lover, just pee in his boots. He won’t understand you otherwise.

6. In company, he always ends up talking about cats. Even if he promised to give up doing so.

7. A true cat lover never throws away candy wrappers – he rolls them into a ball and throws down on the floor.

8. A true cat lover chooses clothes by the two main criteria:

   a. cat fur doesn’t stick to it (or it is invisible on it and easily removed.;

   b. it is difficult for the cat to get a claw hooked in the fabric.

9. A true cat lover never slams the door. He always closes it carefully or even leaves a cat-size slit.

10. A true cat lover always knows which of his cats is digging the litter box at the moment.

11. A true cat lover never leaves food on the table but always puts it in the fridge.

12. A true cat lover never leaves a glass with water near the keyboard.

13. Prior to buying a new home plant, a true cat lover will always find out whether this plant is toxic for cats.

14. A true cat lover always smells every little amount of spilt water.

15. When a cat climbs on a true cat lover’s lap, he will never utter a sound even if the cat didn’t hide the claws. Because the kitty may get scared and never climb on his lap again.

16. A true cat lover always knows what cat food tastes like.

17. The hands of a true cat lover are always covered with scratches.

18. When a true cat lover sees a cat in the street, he is full of emotions as if he sees this animal for the very first time.

19. In a typical family, children are told, “Wash your hands after patting the cat!” In a cat-addicted family, children are told, “Wash your hands before patting the cat!”

20. A true cat lover is skilled in typing and using the mouse with one hand. The second one is reserved for patting the cat.

21. A true cat lover knows that the name “mouse pad” is absolutely theoretical. Practically, it is a “cat pad”.

22. If a true cat lover steps on something soft, he always pulls his leg up nervously and checks whether he has harmed someone.

The Ten Commandments of Owning a Pet

1. My life is likely to last ten to fifteen years. Any separation from you will be painful for me. Remember that before you acquire me.

2. Give me time to understand what you want from me.

3. Place your trust in me. Remember that before you acquire me.

4. Don’t be angry with me for long and don’t lock me up as punishment. You have your work, your friends, and your entertainment. I only have you.

5. Talk to me sometimes. Even if I don’t understand your words, I understand your voice when it is speaking to me. Be aware that however you treat me, I will never forget.

6. Remember before you hit me that I have teeth that can easily crush the bones in your hand, but I choose not to bite you.

7. Before you scold me for being uncooperative, obstinate, or lazy, ask yourself if something might be bothering me. Perhaps I don’t understand what you ask of me or perhaps I am not feeling well, not getting the right food, been out in the sun too long, or my heart is getting old and weak.

8. Take care of me when I get old, you too will grow old.

9. Go with me on difficult journeys. Never say " I can’t bear to watch," or "let it happen in my absence." Everything is easier if you are there.

10. Remember, no matter what, that I love you. Unconditionally.

Source

100 Proven Tips To Become A More Effective Evil Overlord

1. My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear Plexiglas visors, not face concealing ones.
2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell in my dungeon.
4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragon of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.
6. I will not gloat over my enemies predicament before killing them.
7. When I’ve captured my adversary and he says, “Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?” I’ll say, “No.” and shoot him. No, on second thought, I’ll shoot him and then say “No.”
8. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks’ time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.
9. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled, “Danger: Don Not Push”. The big red button marked “Do Not Push” will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will clearly not be labelled as such.
10. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum – a small hotel room well outside my border will work just as well.
11. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
12. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.
13. All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least several round of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.
14. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.
15. I will never employ any device with a digital count-down. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable. I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.
16. I will never utter the sentence “But before I kill you, there’s just one thing I want to know.”
17. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.
18. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would prove a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.
19. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero’s rugged countenance and she’d betray her own father.
20. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it’s too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.
21. I will hire a fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legion of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman foot soldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.
22. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.
23. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way — even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless — my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.
24. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strength and weaknesses. Even though this takes some fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line “No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!” (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)
25. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible spot.
26. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive which is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bed chamber.
27. I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.
28. My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.
29. I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.
30. All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.
31. All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcements and/or romantic sub-plot for the hero or his side-kick.
32. I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.
33. I won’t require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.
34. I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.
35. I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.
36. I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.
37. If my trusted lieutenant tell me my Legion of Terror is losing a battle, I will believe him.. After all, he’s my trusted lieutenant.
38. If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.
39. If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.
40. I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable super-weapon, I will use it early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.
41. Once my power is secure, I will destroy all of those pesky time travel devices.
42. When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys that happens to follow him around.
43. I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans.
44. I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.
45. I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him and say “And here is the price for failure.” then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.
46. If an advisor says to me “My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?”, I will reply “This.” and kill the advisor.
47. If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.
48. I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.
49. If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all of my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.
50. My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks.
51. If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions of the beautiful princess’ cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people oriented position.
52. I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.
53. If the beautiful princess that I capture says “I’ll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!”, I will say “Oh well” and kill her.
54. I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.
55. The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legion of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.
56. My Legion of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.
57. Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owners manual.
58. If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner.
59. I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.
60. My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: This also applies to passwords.
61. If my advisors ask “Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?” I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them.
62. I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.
63. Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of this nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.
64. I will see a compentant psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be disadvantageous.
65. If I must have a computer system with publicly available terminals, the maps they display will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.
66. My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints and then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system.
67. No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.
68. I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they’d better save my life again.
69. All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.
70. When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.
71. If I decide to test a lieutenant’s loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.
72. If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon, instead of using my unstoppable super weapon on them.
73. I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win.
74. When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk “Project Overlord” and leave it lying on top of my desk.
75. I will instruct my Legion of Terror to attack the heroes en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.
76. If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)
77. If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutenant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer.
78. I will not tell my Legion of Terror “And he must be taken alive-” the command will be “And try to take him alive if it is reasonable practical.”
79. If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited edition commemorative coins.
80. If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress.
81. If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.
82. I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerously unbalanced structure.
83. If I’m eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.
84. I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.
85. I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. “Align the 12 stones of power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse.” Instead it will be more alone the lines of “Push the button/”
86. I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded.
87. My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.
88. If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to do the task again.
89. After I capture the hero’s super weapon, I will not disband legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him.
90. I will not design my main control room so that every workstation is facing away from the door.
91. I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.
92. If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead, I will say that his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)
93. If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and the underling who failed or betrayed me, I will die first.
94. When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.
95. My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cell mate tells the guard it’s an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening the cell for a look.
96. My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.
97. My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unraveled.
98. If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However, if circumstances have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each other’ lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.
99. Any data files of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb.
100. Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free, unlimited internet access.

Source

Ways to be cool

Why didn't I have this when I was in high school?