Sucking it Up

Journey: Manhood - This week I'm taking a "stay-cation." I am devoting a hugh portion of the week cleaning my "home office." This is a project that is so long overdue as to cause marital strife.

Why do I have so much trouble doing things like this? After all, I love it when it's nice and clean. I think a big part of my trouble is I have a hard time throwing things away. So I don't have a problem with putting things in their place, it's just that they don't have places.

So I'm sucking it up on this vacation time to be responsible. I must look towards the heavenly (and marital) rewards.

Big Geek

Journey: Geek - Ok, I'm feeling particularly geeky these days. Yes, I got my iPhone 3G, and yes, I was 10th in line of about 70 or so people. Now I'm blogging from my iPhone. It's sad and cool at the same time. Now I can sit in "another room" and blog away. Yeah, like I really do A LOT if blogging. But like most Geek motivations, "because I can" seems to be the reason.

Time Machine 1

Journey: The Past - I continue to add and communicate with people from my high school class on Facebook. I think we're up to 35 now. Many of them I have very little memory of because we traveled in different social circles. But I at least recognize the names. Some have been great enough to post pictures. What I need to do is find my yearbook from senior year. That will be my best reminder.

And I need to do that before the end of September. I have made all of the arrangements but one for Gretchen and I to meet many of them on a three day cruise out of Orlando. Gretch and I need to get away anyway. This will be a great way to do it.

So, before then, I need to find my yearbook and the two of us sit down and I'll bore her with a bunch of stories. 

Journey: Geek - 8 days and 19 hours till iPhone3g!! I'm so excited!

Memories, light the corners...

Journey: Personal - This weekend is my 30th high school reunion.I have a little trouble wrapping my mind around that. It's also been 22 years since graduated Florida Southern College. Anyway, this has prompted me to get in contact with some of the old crew. One of the ways I have been doing that is through Facebook.

It has been a wonderful tool not only for tracking down old classmates but relatives too. I found Mitch Wesley, my last remaining relative on my mother's side of the family. I also found Matt Champagne, whom I last saw in New York City, someplace in the midwest.

Originally I got into Facebook just as a social giggle at church. I took all of the Covenant emails I had on my home computer and sent invitations to join. I then created a page for Covenant. By now dozens have joined and many of us have a great time. Slowly, I'm adding high school and college friends too.

I won't be able to attend the reunion this weekend. But I'll be there in spirit and I'm marking the 40th down on my iCal right now.

The Heat is On

Journey: Technical - O Happy Day!!! One of the two announcements that I've been waiting for is here. Yesterday, Apple announced the iPhone3G.

As the ad says. "Twice the speed at half the price". All I need to do is decide if I want it in white or black. I think I'll stick with white. Now do I need it. Yes and no. No in that I have a cell phone. Yes in that it is sooo cooooll. Several times I almost bought one over the last year.

This will allow me to finally integrate the way I've wanted to. Now all of my contacts, calendars and even emails will be portable.

Apple didn't, however, announce the upgrades on the MacBooks. I was hoping they would and I could get one of the new ones before going to the worship leader conference in Austin next month. I guess it may be a Christmas gift.

Now What?

Journey: Manhood - Now that the 24 week course of Men's Fraternity: The Search of Authentic Manhood is over, now what?

Now is the day to day application of what I learned. Some of it is easier than other parts. There are several things that will take time to implement. There are some things that I have to re-learn. For instance, when am I being accommodating and when am I being passive? How can I tell the difference? For instance, when is letting my wife have her way about something actually being passive and I shouldn't do it? This is going to be very rough for me. It's not that I don't want to do it, I'm just having a difficult time understanding the subtleties of it all.

I think I have a handle on the mother issues. That was easier. I may go overboard on the boundaries and demand issues, but that's to be expected. I cannot make her happy.

In the fall we'll offer the course again. This time at two separate times, Sunday evening and Tuesday mornings. I'm really hoping that we can get a lot of guys to sign up. Because next year I want to do the second series, Men's Fraternity: Winning at Work and Home. Wish me luck this summer.

Ain't No Cure for the Summertime Blues

Journey: Personal - I am not, repeat, not looing forward to the summer. It makes me wish I would take a winter job in Greenland or Alaska or someplace that's not hot and sticky. Praise God I have a job that has air-conditioning.

But there are some good things also. I have the National Worship Leader Conference coming up in July (unfortunately in Austin so no break from the heat there) and a vacation somewhere in there if I can only decide what I'm going to do. Maybe I'll wait and take it in September when it might be cooler.

On other fronts, I lately I have been playing around with Facebook. And quite a few Covenant people have gotten on too. I've even found a long-lost relative, a friends over seas and the "girl" I got my first real kiss from in high school. However I have to fight the urge to spend too much time on it.

So, summer, here we go. I vow to keep up with this blog.

Approaching the End

Journey: Manhood - This is such an amazing, life changing ride. Since my last post we have finally reached the Biblical definition of a man. And it is really unbelievable. It is an incredible responsibility that I never realized. I never realized how drastic and all encompassing it is. It is a level of committment that I think most men would reject if they truly understood it. But the rewards are heavenly, not earthly.

I think the most difficult part of it is that I must disregard my feelings. That has been the single hang-up in taking all of this in. That has been my biggest problem. My entire downfall has been from acting on what I was feeling or not feeling about specific things.

There are four more weeks in the program and the next two sessions are about the marriage relationship. I'm really excited about it. The extent of all of this is so new. Now that I have the Biblical basis and the Godly promises behing it all, I think I can really do it and do it well. I'll stumble and make mistakes, but I'm going to make it.

Strength vs. Weakness

Journey: Job - I've been Director of Music here at Church of the Covenant for going on six years now. One of the reasons that I've been as successful as I have is that I am mainly and foremost a musician. My primary concern is the sound of the final product. All that I do in rehearsals points to that one goal. All of the duties not relating to this, I generally do not like to do. And it is those things that I'm not as good at doing.

Administratively I am weak. I don't like planning. Sure I do it four months in advance but that's so I don't have to do it for another four months. I get bored organizing and filing music.

Socially I am "lacking". I communicate frankly without regard to who needs "stroking" and complimenting. Within rehearsals if I don't address something or someone it's because it or they are doing fine. I was reinforced in that in undergraduate school.

Generally there is harmony within each of my ensembles. But when there is discontent, that is with me, I tend to let it bother me too much. I start second guessing my decisions, and especially, my ability to do the right thing. It hits in my vulnerability if self-doubt. I often joke that working in a church would be such a breeze if it weren't for people. A joke, yes. A reality, most certainly.

So today I'm second guessing and doubting. But after counciling with a couple of close co-staff, I'm starting to feel better about it. There is something lacking in my confidence and job security that when something like this happens I get a knot in the pit of my stomach. I should be confident in my job to not let it bother me.

Just some rocks on my job journey road.

Mom, you're not going to like this, but...

Journey: Manhood - Wow, yesterday morning's Men's Fraternity: The Quest for Authentic Manhood session was amazing. Session 8: Making a Healthy Break with Mom. There weren't any real big surprises. Basically, you have to confront her with what you are going to do, set boundaries and then stick to it all no matter what she does.

And that's really the tricky part. Dr. Lewis read a set of letter between a man and his mom. First the man's letter, it was very direct and honest without being insulting. It reinforced his feeling, needs and affection for his mother. Then came the reply letter from the mom. Full of bitterness and over the top statements designed to make her son feel guilty. When I first heard it a chill went through me. It sounded exactly like something my mom would say, even before her mind started to go. Dr. Lewis stressed that moms do adjust.

But I don't think that is a large option for me. There are several strikes against me inthat I am her legal caretaker. Her need for me is more than just emotional. So, I have to try to reinforce different boundaries. And I've been trying to do that. Thank God that she has the people at Rosewood Retirement Community to take care of her on a daily basis. I can't imagine what it would be like if she had to live with us.

I will have to just do the best I can until she dies. The ongoing issues are doing to be within my marriage. There are some natural pitfalls that I have to learn to avoid. Gretchen says now that she sees what the characteristics are, she sees them clearly. We have to establish which of my traits are because of my personality type (melancholy) and which are because of Mom.

Now the following wounds that we'll cover in MF will be new territory. I'm looking forward them.

Dearest Mommy...From Another View

Journey: Manhood - Something interesting happened last night. I had my wife, Gretchen, watch last weeks Manhood session with me. I thought this would help her understand some things a little better.

Apparently, it worked better than I thought. She identifies me as the "soft male" even more than I do. She admitted that this may be the source of some of her resentment. I don't know that I agree that I am so much that way. Or, at least, that it is completely bad. I think that there are some characteristics that are good and don't have anything to do with that.

Well, this weeks session is what to do about it. I have decided not to watch it in advance. But I may breakdown and watch it anyway.

Dearest Mommy

Journey: Manhood - This morning's Men's Fraternity: The Quest for Authentic Manhood session made us unpack our "Mom" issues.

These issues are more complex and trickier to deal with than the "Dad" issues. Dr. Lewis described Mom Wounds to paper-cuts. Sometimes you hardly notice them on the surface but they hurt like hell and sometimes don't heal very quickly. They are much more subtle.

I have more to deal with here than the Father wounds. Mainly because Mom is right here and I deal with her on an almost daily basis. But realistically, I have 48 years of history with Mom and she fits several of the categories in the lessons.

One of the important points is that most moms, mine included, did not intend to cause these wounds. Initially Mom fell into the "Needy/Hurting" type when I was small. Mom had one child, a daughter, Wanda, from her first marriage. They were very close, just like best friends. When I was small, Wanda was killed in an automobile accident with a drunk driver. When that happened, she took all of her love and grief for Wanda and piled them onto me. I remember Dad telling me years ago, "Kenny, if it wasn't for you, I would have lost your mother when Wanda died." Mom almost went over the deep end. Mom has always made me her very first priority ever since. This was very wrong and non-scriptural.

As the years passed and I reached adulthood, that didn't change. At that point she fell into the "Unwilling to Release" type. She still sees me as her little boy. She has told me on several occasions, as recently as six weeks ago, that "it's just you and me against the world."

So now as dementia and Alzheimer's settles in and progresses, it gets progressively worse. Only now there is not reasoning with her. Her memory and comprehension is terrible. And this will only get worse as time passes. She is totally miserable and hermit-ive. She refuses to make new friends at her retirement home and will not participate in the activities. She is just waiting to die. But like I say, that isn't going to change.

Anyway, how as all of this effected me? There are two main ways in which boys/men respond to these patterns. And the one I "chose" was to resist and pull away. I see that pattern throughout my life. I have always wanted but failed to get respect from her. To get acceptance as an adult. I have tried to communicate all of that with her but she just doesn't (or doesn't want to) get it.

Mom and I have never had much in common. I have always been more like my father. Mom and I rarely saw eye-to-eye on anything. We were never really close that way.

So now, as she gets more needy I respond even more so. Can you say "vicious cycle?" I think this is just the beginning of a long process. After all, she's not going to change. I'll probably be struggling with this until she dies. And maybe even a little after that.

Next Tuesday we'll see how I'm supposed to deal with all of this. I am skeptical but trying to keep an open mind about it.

The New Toy

Journey: Fun - Since I'm a guy, toys are very important. I don't try to keep up with all the new technology (can't afford it) but sometimes there is something I can get into.

For instance, by link-hopping on Amazon.com, I came across the Flip Video Ultra camcorder. It is a small camcorder with built in memory. There is a built-in USB plug in the side to plug directly into the computer. With built in software, videos can be converted and uploaded almost effortlessly to YouTube.com or other webservices. Here are a couple of tests.

This is friend Melissa at our Fall Picnic this past Sunday.


And this is my wife Gretchen at the MercyMe (yes, we saw them again) and Aaron Shust concert last Friday night in Baton Rouge. Here she gets Aaron's autograph.


I did no editing to either of these. These are uploaded directly from the Flip Video Ultra. I imagine I could get a better quality if I compressed and uploaded them manually.

So now I have a new toy to help keep me distracted from all of the stuff I need to be doing.

Remembering Dad

Journey: Manhood - This morning's Men's Fraternity: The Quest for Authentic Manhood session finished up with dealing with the Father Wound. This was an easy one. I never had any major issues with my dad. At the worst it was just a communication problem. He was pretty much the Invisible Dad, a man of few words. I know he loved me and was proud of me more by what he did than what he said. I guess what I missed was the time with him. He worked two jobs for most of my childhood and never was one to go out and just throw a ball around.

The most information I ever got about my father was from his sister. She filled me in on some of the holes in his life that he never talked about and that I felt uncomfortable to bring up.

But thanks to God, I had the chance and foresight towards the end of his life to try to establish communication. I made a little progress. At least I got to say what I needed while there was still time. And God allowed me to be there when he passed away. So, I have few to no regrets when it comes to Dad.

Next Tuesday we start on Mother issues. That one is going to be stickier.

Gonna get myself...

There are several Journeys that I will be blogging about. There will be times that these Journeys overlap and sometimes I imagine that I'll go off on completely different tangents.

The first Journey involves a study that I'm involved in called Men's Fraternity: The Quest for Authentic Manhood. This is a 24 week study to examine and define what is a Christian man supposed to be. And, as importantly, how to attain it. It's a fantastic study and after just five weeks into it I'm learning a lot.

Another Journey that I'm on is how to be a better worship leader as well as guiding the church as staff member. I experience the common frustrations with our people as I, with our pastor, work to educate and guide our people. Some of these I've already touched upon in my first posting. But that post is a couple of years old so we'll see what has changed as well as where I'll go with it.

If you experience or have experienced similar issues, I hope you will feel free to comment. I believe much can be learned from others experiences.

Setting Sail

This seems like a good a time as any to do something like this.

Do you ever notice that sometimes life just cruises by without much friction and then many things, good and bad, start happening at the same time? Duh!

On the good side, Gretchen (my wife) and I got to see MercyMe last Friday night. It was actually more than good, it was FANTASTIC. We saw them for the first time about six months ago and were blown away. And now with a great new album (Undone) and for them to actually come into town at the brand new First Baptist Church, well, it doesn't get much better than this. And to top it off, one branch of the in-laws drove into Lafayette to join us. Even the continual downpour of rain couldn't dampen the evening.

Then on the other side of the coin, I'm really having a hard time not getting bummed out by the "politics" and pettiness of some of the people here at my church (Church of the Covenant). Please don't get me wrong, the vast majority of the people are wonderful. It's just that so many have their priorities all out of whack. They come to church to get stroked, for their warm buzzes, to see or be seen, or whatever. They participate on committees and in organizations either to push an agenda.

Now, I realize that we should be involved to help take the church in the right direction. But it appears that some are trying to guide it in the direction that THEY want it to go in. That's just not right. We should be steering the church into the direction that GOD wants it to go. I also realize that it is important to instill a feeling of "ownership" into the church. But the truth is, it's doesn't belong to anyone but GOD. We are steward, custodians, of his church. Church of the Covenant is no more mine than it is my cats'.

I want to devote most of my time to working on ministries that God want improving or even established. Not having to deal with peoples misdirected agendas and energies.

And this actually brings me to another point. Many will say they want these programs improved or established, buy they want someone else to do it.

We just took a survey of all of the church members, regardless of age, to see what people want for the church five years from now. First of all only about 37 (out of hundreds) responded. What does that tell you right off? Anyway, some of the comments were ridiculous. Some responses were to general and vague to make any since. Some weren't but were just petty. I won't mention any specifics. Only one or two said that they want deeper and more meaningful worship. I don't know if they were saying that worship at this point in time is lacking. I don't think it is, but it can ALWAYS be better. And I too hope that it will be deeper and more meaningful in five years. It better be. If it isn't we aren't going our job.

I'm hoping that a little downtime this summer will help me find some much needed peace. Also the new blood pressure medicine should help.