Jesus Bring the Rain...

Journey: Personal - We're just not catching the very outer north-east of Ike. Before all is said and done, we might end up with more rain than we did for Gustav. We definitely got the better of that deal. It's been windy today but it was a hot damp wind. I'm glad for the rain.

The tension hasn't been as bad for obvious. But I'm still surprised of how many people are clueless. I was in a local eating establishment today when I heard the wait-person say "I heard it a hurricane was coming to Louisiana", with kind of a "whatever" look on her face. It was probably just as well.

I think God today. I think Him that I didn't come to us. I thank Him that Ike weakened as it approached and won't be so strong. I think Him for a strong house that is not effected by the winds. There is just so much to be thankful for.

Later.

Finis

Journey: Personal - In less than twelve hours it's all over. It's amazing that we never lost power. And we never lost cable television. Well, actually we did but not until after Gustav passed. I wouldn't have really cared except I was looking forward to watching the season premiere of Prison Break.

So all that's left is the cleanup. And there's enough of that. Take a look.

and

So the danger is over. Now comes the sweat.

Thank you, Lord, for your incredible blessings, love and grace.

Crecendo

Journey: Personal - So far it's been almost boring. But now the center is approaching, and it won't be boring any longer. The worst winds are close. It's still better than they predicted but it's still bad.

We still have power but its flickering. We may loose it all together soon. I'll keep Twittering (klcheshire) and FBing as long as I can.

It won't be too much longer now and Gustav will be history for us. Then there are the poor people that have to deal with all the rains and flooding when it's in its tropical storm mode.

I'm starting to pray about Hanna and my friends in Florida now. Remember, keep the focus on God.

Somebody's Knocking

Journey: Personal - Well here we go.

It was a very quiet night. Got nothing from the outer bands at all. I checked several times and it wasn't even windy.

So I'm guessing all of that is getting ready to change. I just went outside and stole Tim's newspaper (way to go paperboy) and felt very small droplets of water, but nothing steady.

I still hear someone hammering at something in the next neighborhood over. I quickly showered and filled the new tub with water. What a way to see how the drain stopper works.

I'm a little nervous but otherwise at peace. I continue to focus on God and His incredible love and mercy on me. Even in the worst case and I should loose any- to everything, I continue to be blessed beyond by deserving.

To all of my friends praying, thank you. I strongly believe it is helping. Continue to pray that God continues the refinement of my spirit, mind and body. I love you all.

Fear not, for I have redeemed you, I have summoned you by name, you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you walk through the fire, you will not be burned, the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior. - Isaiah 43

Forgive that each post now sounds like it's the last one. I just never know which one is before I loose power. :)

Riders on the Storm

Journey: Personal - As I write this New Orleans is getting the first wave of the outer bands of Gustav. Earlier, at 6:15pm, we got the first rumblings of thunder and the wind started picking up.

There's been a lot of good news since my last post and this is probably my last before I loose power. The storm is weakening some and it sped up. All good for us. It'll still hit as a Cat 3 but better than the 4 or 5 some were predicting. So it's going to be intense, but will turn out ok.

Last night by the time I went to bed I was very uncertain about my decision to stay and ride it out. No, that's not exactly right. I was certain about the decision but felt uneasy about the situation. Of course there is an overall level of anxiety in the air all through the city. The hurricane is all everyone is talking about.

So this morning, since there wasn't a mandatory evacuation order, we had worship at church. I got up and did my usual thing. Of course our numbers were much lower than usual. But we worshiped. We worshiped good. We sang, laughed, prayed and focused on God instead of Gustav. It wasn't long before I wasn't even thinking about Gustav. Chris preached on worry. And it was some mighty fine preaching, too.

I was reminded how much fear I have in my life. Some of the fear is larger than others. Some are relatively new, some are as old as I can remember. Arguably most are unfounded in reality and maybe even completely irrational. I've made some progress on some. Some lie dormant for years, all but completely forgotten, only to rear up suddenly when I least expect it.

Categorically, many of the fears are insecurities. In speaking with some friends, they tell me that I give off exactly the opposite impression. That started in college. It was a time for me to "reinvent" myself. The me that I wanted people to see was confident, wise and secure in myself. The me that was on the inside was scared, doubtful and afraid of failure.

But God is working on me. He's trying to teach me not to be afraid. He's trying to teach me to trust. I'm getting there. This morning was a strong lesson. When there is something I am afraid of, the way I give it up to Him is to focus completely on Him. Blindingly all on Him. Sometimes that means prayer or worship. Other times it means focusing on Him through service to others. I'm not good at the serving others part. At least outside of the church. And what keeps me from being better at it is my insecurities and self centeredness.

Lord, break through my stubborn, sinful nature. Do what you need to to teach me. Put me up against a hurricane or worse yet, my own fears and insecurities.

Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him,
and He will direct your paths.
- Proverbs 3:5-6

Tom Petty, Get Outta My Head

Journey: Personal - At the point we're about 40 hours from the meat of Gustav. All of the models say it's headed straight for us. In chatting with friends in Florida, they're feeling the outer bands of it. It has gotten bigger.

Looking at this radar shows how much difference a little distance east or west can make. It's just now coming onshore of Cuba and already the models are starting to change.

What is that? You say you hear something? Sounds like "whistling in the dark"? Well, may be but that's going to turn into whistling in the wind. Yeah, Yeah, I may change my mind tomorrow. But that's tomorrow. But I do think if I left I'd worry more.

But right now I can't get that song from Tom Petty out of my head, "the waiting is the hardest part."

Thank God we have worship in the morning.

Watching & Waiting

Journey: Personal - It doesn't seem like it's been three years since Hurricanes Katrina and Rita. But now we sit in a similar state: watching and waiting to see what Gustav is going to do. It still won't hit land until probably four or five days from now but everyone is watching so closely.

I don't remember waiting in nervous anticipation of hurricanes growing up in Florida. The good Lord knows we got 'em. I also don't remember ever evacuating for one. Crawfordville was close enough to the coast to feel the mighty power of the storm but far enough that storm surge was not an issue. The same is here. We lost one really old roof several years ago, which was actually a blessing. It needed replacing and the insurance deductible was cheeper than a new roof. It think that was Lily.

Gretchen and I talked about our plans this morning. Without too much detail we agree that if it's really bad that she'll go inland. But unless there is a mandatory evacuation notice, I think I'm going to stay here. I guess it's the "guy" in me that wants to stay on the homestead. Like there's something I can do.

But I continue to pray. I pray that somehow that Gustav will do as little damage as possible. I pray that we will be spared the worst of it without somehow wishing it on someone else. But I especially pray for ears to hear what He wants me to do in this situation as well and daily. I think hearing has always been my weakness. Or maybe it's just the interpretation of what I'm hearing.

Anyway, I've changed the anthem in worship for Sunday. I'm going to sing Casting Crowns' "Praise You in This Storm". God's peace and protection be with us all.

I was sure by now
That You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen",
and it's still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry
You raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth

Lord, You are the God of the Storm. Amen, and Amen.

He does exist...

Journey: Spiritual - Pastor Daniel Hixon has a blog called Gloria Deo: Wesleyan-glican ramblings. In this blog he discusses various timely issues on the state of the church as a whole as well and the United Methodist Church. I have thoroughly enjoyed his posts.

Daniel has two receint posts dealing with spirits, Satan and exorcism within the United Methodist Church that is fascinating and important. It speaks to many concerns I've had for several years. I recommend reading them before continuing.

As time goes by C.S. Lewis' The Screwtape Letters become less humorous and more frightening. These days it hits a little too close to home. I am a life long Methodist and have been concerned about our middle-of-the-road stance on too many issues. Once speaking with my formerly Roman Catholic wife, we were talking about her sisters fascination with "haunted" B&Bs. I told her that I would have nothing to do with it. She said that maybe because her sister was Catholic that she believe more in the "supernatural." I told her it was BECAUSE I believe in the spirit world that I don't want to have anything to do with them. Either placed like those are hoaxes or they're not. If they're not and there are spirits there, they are not benevolent. They are of Satan and are evil. Satan downplays things to make them seem harmless and curiosities. They are a trap. He does this in many ways in our culture.

Going back to my wife's comment, it told me the perception of Methodists. That we don't believe in the spirit world. And on a whole we don't. We're too busy trying to get the middle-of-the-roaders in our doors. And that means once they're in here, we don't want to do anything to upset them or to scare them off.

But I do believe in spirits. I believe there is a huge battle being fought all around us. And when we pray, we send angels into this battle on our and God's behalf. When we are tempted to sin, there are spirit forces at work. When we rebuke sin, it is a spiritual victory for us.

The devil is real. He/she is attractive, otherwise there would be no temptation. But Satan is cleaver in the most subtile of ways. And that's where he trips me up. It's with the Reese's Peanut Butter Cups or the McDonald's french fries. The BMW or new golf clubs doesn't do it for me (please disregard my previous posts about the iPhone - ooops).

Keep your eyes, physical and spiritual, open and alert.

Thanks Daniel, for reminding us again, it's not about us.

Sucking it Up

Journey: Manhood - This week I'm taking a "stay-cation." I am devoting a hugh portion of the week cleaning my "home office." This is a project that is so long overdue as to cause marital strife.

Why do I have so much trouble doing things like this? After all, I love it when it's nice and clean. I think a big part of my trouble is I have a hard time throwing things away. So I don't have a problem with putting things in their place, it's just that they don't have places.

So I'm sucking it up on this vacation time to be responsible. I must look towards the heavenly (and marital) rewards.

Big Geek

Journey: Geek - Ok, I'm feeling particularly geeky these days. Yes, I got my iPhone 3G, and yes, I was 10th in line of about 70 or so people. Now I'm blogging from my iPhone. It's sad and cool at the same time. Now I can sit in "another room" and blog away. Yeah, like I really do A LOT if blogging. But like most Geek motivations, "because I can" seems to be the reason.

Time Machine 1

Journey: The Past - I continue to add and communicate with people from my high school class on Facebook. I think we're up to 35 now. Many of them I have very little memory of because we traveled in different social circles. But I at least recognize the names. Some have been great enough to post pictures. What I need to do is find my yearbook from senior year. That will be my best reminder.

And I need to do that before the end of September. I have made all of the arrangements but one for Gretchen and I to meet many of them on a three day cruise out of Orlando. Gretch and I need to get away anyway. This will be a great way to do it.

So, before then, I need to find my yearbook and the two of us sit down and I'll bore her with a bunch of stories. 

Journey: Geek - 8 days and 19 hours till iPhone3g!! I'm so excited!

Memories, light the corners...

Journey: Personal - This weekend is my 30th high school reunion.I have a little trouble wrapping my mind around that. It's also been 22 years since graduated Florida Southern College. Anyway, this has prompted me to get in contact with some of the old crew. One of the ways I have been doing that is through Facebook.

It has been a wonderful tool not only for tracking down old classmates but relatives too. I found Mitch Wesley, my last remaining relative on my mother's side of the family. I also found Matt Champagne, whom I last saw in New York City, someplace in the midwest.

Originally I got into Facebook just as a social giggle at church. I took all of the Covenant emails I had on my home computer and sent invitations to join. I then created a page for Covenant. By now dozens have joined and many of us have a great time. Slowly, I'm adding high school and college friends too.

I won't be able to attend the reunion this weekend. But I'll be there in spirit and I'm marking the 40th down on my iCal right now.

The Heat is On

Journey: Technical - O Happy Day!!! One of the two announcements that I've been waiting for is here. Yesterday, Apple announced the iPhone3G.

As the ad says. "Twice the speed at half the price". All I need to do is decide if I want it in white or black. I think I'll stick with white. Now do I need it. Yes and no. No in that I have a cell phone. Yes in that it is sooo cooooll. Several times I almost bought one over the last year.

This will allow me to finally integrate the way I've wanted to. Now all of my contacts, calendars and even emails will be portable.

Apple didn't, however, announce the upgrades on the MacBooks. I was hoping they would and I could get one of the new ones before going to the worship leader conference in Austin next month. I guess it may be a Christmas gift.

Now What?

Journey: Manhood - Now that the 24 week course of Men's Fraternity: The Search of Authentic Manhood is over, now what?

Now is the day to day application of what I learned. Some of it is easier than other parts. There are several things that will take time to implement. There are some things that I have to re-learn. For instance, when am I being accommodating and when am I being passive? How can I tell the difference? For instance, when is letting my wife have her way about something actually being passive and I shouldn't do it? This is going to be very rough for me. It's not that I don't want to do it, I'm just having a difficult time understanding the subtleties of it all.

I think I have a handle on the mother issues. That was easier. I may go overboard on the boundaries and demand issues, but that's to be expected. I cannot make her happy.

In the fall we'll offer the course again. This time at two separate times, Sunday evening and Tuesday mornings. I'm really hoping that we can get a lot of guys to sign up. Because next year I want to do the second series, Men's Fraternity: Winning at Work and Home. Wish me luck this summer.

Ain't No Cure for the Summertime Blues

Journey: Personal - I am not, repeat, not looing forward to the summer. It makes me wish I would take a winter job in Greenland or Alaska or someplace that's not hot and sticky. Praise God I have a job that has air-conditioning.

But there are some good things also. I have the National Worship Leader Conference coming up in July (unfortunately in Austin so no break from the heat there) and a vacation somewhere in there if I can only decide what I'm going to do. Maybe I'll wait and take it in September when it might be cooler.

On other fronts, I lately I have been playing around with Facebook. And quite a few Covenant people have gotten on too. I've even found a long-lost relative, a friends over seas and the "girl" I got my first real kiss from in high school. However I have to fight the urge to spend too much time on it.

So, summer, here we go. I vow to keep up with this blog.

Approaching the End

Journey: Manhood - This is such an amazing, life changing ride. Since my last post we have finally reached the Biblical definition of a man. And it is really unbelievable. It is an incredible responsibility that I never realized. I never realized how drastic and all encompassing it is. It is a level of committment that I think most men would reject if they truly understood it. But the rewards are heavenly, not earthly.

I think the most difficult part of it is that I must disregard my feelings. That has been the single hang-up in taking all of this in. That has been my biggest problem. My entire downfall has been from acting on what I was feeling or not feeling about specific things.

There are four more weeks in the program and the next two sessions are about the marriage relationship. I'm really excited about it. The extent of all of this is so new. Now that I have the Biblical basis and the Godly promises behing it all, I think I can really do it and do it well. I'll stumble and make mistakes, but I'm going to make it.

Strength vs. Weakness

Journey: Job - I've been Director of Music here at Church of the Covenant for going on six years now. One of the reasons that I've been as successful as I have is that I am mainly and foremost a musician. My primary concern is the sound of the final product. All that I do in rehearsals points to that one goal. All of the duties not relating to this, I generally do not like to do. And it is those things that I'm not as good at doing.

Administratively I am weak. I don't like planning. Sure I do it four months in advance but that's so I don't have to do it for another four months. I get bored organizing and filing music.

Socially I am "lacking". I communicate frankly without regard to who needs "stroking" and complimenting. Within rehearsals if I don't address something or someone it's because it or they are doing fine. I was reinforced in that in undergraduate school.

Generally there is harmony within each of my ensembles. But when there is discontent, that is with me, I tend to let it bother me too much. I start second guessing my decisions, and especially, my ability to do the right thing. It hits in my vulnerability if self-doubt. I often joke that working in a church would be such a breeze if it weren't for people. A joke, yes. A reality, most certainly.

So today I'm second guessing and doubting. But after counciling with a couple of close co-staff, I'm starting to feel better about it. There is something lacking in my confidence and job security that when something like this happens I get a knot in the pit of my stomach. I should be confident in my job to not let it bother me.

Just some rocks on my job journey road.

Mom, you're not going to like this, but...

Journey: Manhood - Wow, yesterday morning's Men's Fraternity: The Quest for Authentic Manhood session was amazing. Session 8: Making a Healthy Break with Mom. There weren't any real big surprises. Basically, you have to confront her with what you are going to do, set boundaries and then stick to it all no matter what she does.

And that's really the tricky part. Dr. Lewis read a set of letter between a man and his mom. First the man's letter, it was very direct and honest without being insulting. It reinforced his feeling, needs and affection for his mother. Then came the reply letter from the mom. Full of bitterness and over the top statements designed to make her son feel guilty. When I first heard it a chill went through me. It sounded exactly like something my mom would say, even before her mind started to go. Dr. Lewis stressed that moms do adjust.

But I don't think that is a large option for me. There are several strikes against me inthat I am her legal caretaker. Her need for me is more than just emotional. So, I have to try to reinforce different boundaries. And I've been trying to do that. Thank God that she has the people at Rosewood Retirement Community to take care of her on a daily basis. I can't imagine what it would be like if she had to live with us.

I will have to just do the best I can until she dies. The ongoing issues are doing to be within my marriage. There are some natural pitfalls that I have to learn to avoid. Gretchen says now that she sees what the characteristics are, she sees them clearly. We have to establish which of my traits are because of my personality type (melancholy) and which are because of Mom.

Now the following wounds that we'll cover in MF will be new territory. I'm looking forward them.

Dearest Mommy...From Another View

Journey: Manhood - Something interesting happened last night. I had my wife, Gretchen, watch last weeks Manhood session with me. I thought this would help her understand some things a little better.

Apparently, it worked better than I thought. She identifies me as the "soft male" even more than I do. She admitted that this may be the source of some of her resentment. I don't know that I agree that I am so much that way. Or, at least, that it is completely bad. I think that there are some characteristics that are good and don't have anything to do with that.

Well, this weeks session is what to do about it. I have decided not to watch it in advance. But I may breakdown and watch it anyway.

Dearest Mommy

Journey: Manhood - This morning's Men's Fraternity: The Quest for Authentic Manhood session made us unpack our "Mom" issues.

These issues are more complex and trickier to deal with than the "Dad" issues. Dr. Lewis described Mom Wounds to paper-cuts. Sometimes you hardly notice them on the surface but they hurt like hell and sometimes don't heal very quickly. They are much more subtle.

I have more to deal with here than the Father wounds. Mainly because Mom is right here and I deal with her on an almost daily basis. But realistically, I have 48 years of history with Mom and she fits several of the categories in the lessons.

One of the important points is that most moms, mine included, did not intend to cause these wounds. Initially Mom fell into the "Needy/Hurting" type when I was small. Mom had one child, a daughter, Wanda, from her first marriage. They were very close, just like best friends. When I was small, Wanda was killed in an automobile accident with a drunk driver. When that happened, she took all of her love and grief for Wanda and piled them onto me. I remember Dad telling me years ago, "Kenny, if it wasn't for you, I would have lost your mother when Wanda died." Mom almost went over the deep end. Mom has always made me her very first priority ever since. This was very wrong and non-scriptural.

As the years passed and I reached adulthood, that didn't change. At that point she fell into the "Unwilling to Release" type. She still sees me as her little boy. She has told me on several occasions, as recently as six weeks ago, that "it's just you and me against the world."

So now as dementia and Alzheimer's settles in and progresses, it gets progressively worse. Only now there is not reasoning with her. Her memory and comprehension is terrible. And this will only get worse as time passes. She is totally miserable and hermit-ive. She refuses to make new friends at her retirement home and will not participate in the activities. She is just waiting to die. But like I say, that isn't going to change.

Anyway, how as all of this effected me? There are two main ways in which boys/men respond to these patterns. And the one I "chose" was to resist and pull away. I see that pattern throughout my life. I have always wanted but failed to get respect from her. To get acceptance as an adult. I have tried to communicate all of that with her but she just doesn't (or doesn't want to) get it.

Mom and I have never had much in common. I have always been more like my father. Mom and I rarely saw eye-to-eye on anything. We were never really close that way.

So now, as she gets more needy I respond even more so. Can you say "vicious cycle?" I think this is just the beginning of a long process. After all, she's not going to change. I'll probably be struggling with this until she dies. And maybe even a little after that.

Next Tuesday we'll see how I'm supposed to deal with all of this. I am skeptical but trying to keep an open mind about it.