Monday, May 30, 2011

June Holidays

National Candy Month
National Dairy Month
National Fresh Fruit and Vegetables Month
National Iced Tea Month
National Papaya Month

First Weekend in June: National Doughnut Weekend

June 1
National Hazelnut Cake Day

June 2
National Rocky Road Day

June 3
National Chocolate Macaroon Day
National Egg Day

June 4
National Eggs Benedict Day

June 5
National Gingerbread Day
National Cheese Day

June 6
National Applesauce Cake Day
National Doughnut Day

June 7
National Chocolate Ice Cream Day

June 8
National Jelly-Filled Doughnut Day

June 9
National Strawberry-Rhubarb Pie Day

June 10
National Iced-Tea Day

June 11
National German Chocolate Cake Day

June 12
National Peanut Butter Cookie Day

June 13
Kitchen Klutzes of America Day

June 14
National Strawberry Shortcake Day

June 15
National Tapioca Pudding Day

June 16
National Fudge Day

June 17
National Apple Strudel Day
National Cherry Tart Day

June 18
International Picnic Day

June 19
National Martini Day

June 20
National Vanilla Milkshake Day

June 21
National Peaches & Cream Day

June 22
National Chocolate Eclair Day
National Onion Ring Day

June 23
National Pecan Sandy Day

June 24
National Pralines Day

June 25
National Strawberry Parfait Day
National Catfish Day

June 26
National Chocolate Pudding Day

June 27
National Orange Blossom Day

June 28
National Tapioca Day

June 29
National Almond Buttercrunch Day

June 30
National Mai Tai Day

Friday, May 27, 2011

25 Irrefutable Cat Laws

Law of Cat Inertia: A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force, such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.

Law of Cat Motion: A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.

Law of Cat Magnetism: All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.

Law of Cat Thermodynamics: Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.

Law of Cat Stretching: A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.

Law of Cat Sleeping: All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved as is possible for the cat.

Law of Cat Elongation: A cat can make his body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it.

Law of Cat Acceleration: A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop.

Law of Dinner Table Attendance: Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.

Law of Rug Configuration: No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.

Law of Obedience Resistance: A cat’s resistance varies in proportion to a human’s desire for him to do something.

First Law of Energy Conservation: Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destryed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.

Second Law of Energy Conservation: Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.

Law of Refrigerator Observation: If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.

Law of Electric Blanket Attraction: Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.

Law of Random Comfort Seeking: A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.

Law of Bag/Box Occupancy: All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.

Law of Cat Embarrassment: A cat’s irritation rises in direct proportion to his embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.

Law of Milk Consumption: A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.

Law of Furniture Replacement: A cat’s desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.

Law of Cat Landing: A cat will always land in the softest place possible.

Law of Fluid Displacement: A cat immersed in milk will displace his own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed.

Law of Cat Disinterest
: A cat’s interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.

Law of Pill Rejection: Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.

Law of Cat Composition
: A cat is composed of Matter + Antimatter + It Doesn’t Matter.


    Wednesday, May 25, 2011

    25 Pictures of Cats Hiding

    I Love My Job

    I love my job, I love the pay.
    I love it more and more each day.
    I love my boss; he/she is the best.
    I love his boss and all the rest.

    I love my office and its location.
    I hate to have to go on vacation.
    I love my furniture, drab and gray,
    And the paper that piles up every day.

    I love my chair in my padded cell.
    There’s nothing else I love so well.
    I love to work among my peers.
    I love their leers and jeers and sneers.

    I love my computer and its software;
    I hug it often though it don’t care.
    I love each program and every file,
    I try to understand once in a while.

    I’m happy to be here, I am, I am;
    I’m the happiest slave of my Uncle Sam.
    I love this work; I love these chores.
    I love the meetings with deadly bores.

    I love my job-I’ll say it again.
    I even love these friendly men,
    These men who’ve come to visit today
    In lovely white coats to take me away.

    - Dr. Seuss

    In Honor of Douglas Adams - An Awesome Story About Cookies, Of All Things

    This actually did happen to a real person, and the real person was me. I had gone to catch a train. This was April 1976, in Cambridge, U.K. I was a bit early for the train. I’d gotten the time of the train wrong.

    I went to get myself a newspaper to do the crossword, and a cup of coffee and a packet of cookies. I went and sat at a table.

    I want you to picture the scene. It’s very important that you get this very clear in your mind.

    Here’s the table, newspaper, cup of coffee, packet of cookies. There’s a guy sitting opposite me, perfectly ordinary-looking guy wearing a business suit, carrying a briefcase.

    It didn’t look like he was going to do anything weird. What he did was this: he suddenly leaned across, picked up the packet of cookies, tore it open, took one out, and ate it.

    Now this, I have to say, is the sort of thing the British are very bad at dealing with. There’s nothing in our background, upbringing, or education that teaches you how to deal with someone who in broad daylight has just stolen your cookies.

    You know what would happen if this had been South Central Los Angeles. There would have very quickly been gunfire, helicopters coming in, CNN, you know. . . But in the end, I did what any red-blooded Englishman would do: I ignored it. And I stared at the newspaper, took a sip of coffee, tried to do a clue in the newspaper, couldn’t do anything, and thought, what am I going to do?

    In the end I thought, nothing for it, I’ll just have to go for it, and I tried very hard not to notice the fact that the packet was already mysteriously opened. I took out a cookie for myself. I thought, that settled him. But it hadn’t because a moment or two later he did it again. He took another cookie.

    Having not mentioned it the first time, it was somehow even harder to raise the subject the second time around. “Excuse me, I couldn’t help but notice . . .” I mean, it doesn’t really work.

    We went through the whole packet like this. When I say the whole packet, I mean there were only about eight cookies, but it felt like a lifetime. He took one, I took one, he took one, I took one. Finally, when we got to the end, he stood up and walked away.

    Well, we exchanged meaningful looks, then he walked away, and I breathed a sigh of relief and sat back. A moment or two later the train was coming in, so I tossed back the rest of my coffee, stood up, picked up the newspaper, and underneath the newspaper were my cookies.

    The thing I like particularly about this story is the sensation that somewhere in England there has been wandering around for the last quarter-century a perfectly ordinary guy who’s had the same exact story, only he doesn’t have the punch line.

    (Excerpted from “The Salmon of Doubt: Hitchhiking the Galaxy One Last Time” by Douglas Adams)

    Hump Day Pics

    Monday, May 23, 2011

    Monday Morning Motivations

    I think we can all use a little motivation this Monday morning...

    Question the Juror

    In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, ‘Mrs. Jones, do you know me?’

    She responded, ‘Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you’ll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.’

    The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, ‘Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?’

    She again replied, ‘Why yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.’

    The defense attorney nearly had a heart attack.

    The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, ‘If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I’ll send you both to the electric chair.’

    Thursday, May 19, 2011

    Ugly Baby

    So a woman walks onto a bus with her baby and the bus driver looks at her and says “Ma’am that is the ugliest baby I have ever seen!”.

    So the woman walks to back of the bus dumbfounded and sits down. She looks to the man sitting next her and says “That bus driver just insulted me.”

    The man looks at her and says “Well, go confront him about it! I’ll hold your monkey in the meantime.”

    Wednesday, May 18, 2011

    New Babies in the House

    Well, the Lowes stork paid a visit today and left these two shiny new members of the family.

    Hopefully this will be the last I'll ever buy. I couldn't find one with an iPod/iPhone dock though.

    Tuesday, May 17, 2011

    Collected Quotes From Albert Einstein

    • “Imagination is more important than knowledge.”
    • “Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love.”
    • “The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax.”
    • “Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.”
    • “The only real valuable thing is intuition.”
    • “A person starts to live when he can live outside himself.”
    • “Weakness of attitude becomes weakness of character.”
    • “I never think of the future. It comes soon enough.”
    • “The eternal mystery of the world is its comprehensibility.”
    • “Sometimes one pays most for the things one gets for nothing.”
    • “Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.”
    • “Great spirits have often encountered violent opposition from weak minds.”
    • “Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler.”
    • “Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.”
    • “Science is a wonderful thing if one does not have to earn one’s living at it.”
    • “The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.”
    • “The only thing that interferes with my learning is my education.”
    • “The whole of science is nothing more than a refinement of everyday thinking.”
    • “Technological progress is like an axe in the hands of a pathological criminal.”
    • “Peace cannot be kept by force. It can only be achieved by understanding.”
    • “The most incomprehensible thing about the world is that it is comprehensible.”
    • “We can’t solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them.”
    • “Education is what remains after one has forgotten everything he learned in school.”
    • “The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reason for existing.”
    • “Do not worry about your difficulties in Mathematics. I can assure you mine are still greater.”
    • “Equations are more important to me, because politics is for the present, but an equation is something for eternity.”
    • “If A is a success in life, then A equals x plus y plus z. Work is x; y is play; and z is keeping your mouth shut.”
    • “Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the the universe.”
    • “As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain, as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.”
    • “Whoever undertakes to set himself up as a judge of Truth and Knowledge is shipwrecked by the laughter of the gods.”
    • “I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
    • “In order to form an immaculate member of a flock of sheep one must, above all, be a sheep.”
    • “The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there’s no risk of accident for someone who’s dead.”
    • “Too many of us look upon Americans as dollar chasers. This is a cruel libel, even if it is reiterated thoughtlessly by the Americans themselves.”
    • “Heroism on command, senseless violence, and all the loathsome nonsense that goes by the name of patriotism — how passionately I hate them!”
    • “No, this trick won’t work…How on earth are you ever going to explain in terms of chemistry and physics so important a biological phenomenon as first love?”
    • “My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive with our frail and feeble mind.”
    • “Yes, we have to divide up our time like that, between our politics and our equations. But to me our equations are far more important, for politics are only a matter of present concern. A mathematical equation stands forever.”
    • “The release of atom power has changed everything except our way of thinking…the solution to this problem lies in the heart of mankind. If only I had known, I should have become a watchmaker.”
    • “Great spirits have always found violent opposition from mediocrities. The latter cannot understand it when a man does not thoughtlessly submit to hereditary prejudices but honestly and courageously uses his intelligence.”
    • “The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and all science. He to whom this emotion is a stranger, who can no longer pause to wonder and stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead: his eyes are closed.”
    • “Now he has departed from this strange world a little ahead of me. That means nothing. People like us, who believe in physics, know that the distinction between past, present, and future is only a stubbornly persistent illusion.”
    • “You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat.”
    • “One had to cram all this stuff into one’s mind for the examinations, whether one liked it or not. This coercion had such a deterring effect on me that, after I had passed the final examination, I found the consideration of any scientific problems distasteful to me for an entire year.”
    • “…one of the strongest motives that lead men to art and science is escape from everyday life with its painful crudity and hopeless dreariness, from the fetters of one’s own ever-shifting desires. A finely tempered nature longs to escape from the personal life into the world of objective perception and thought.”
    • “He who joyfully marches to music rank and file, has already earned my contempt. He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would surely suffice. This disgrace to civilization should be done away with at once. Heroism at command, how violently I hate all this, how despicable and ignoble war is; I would rather be torn to shreds than be a part of so base an action. It is my conviction that killing under the cloak of war is nothing but an act of murder.”
    • “A human being is a part of a whole, called by us ‘universe’, a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feelings as something separated from the rest… a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty.”
    • “Not everything that counts can be counted, and not everything that can be counted counts.”
    • “Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius — and a lot of courage — to move in the opposite direction.”